Friday, July 18, 2008

On This Ride Together!

Well, I spent yesterday crying again just aching to hold my baby boy one more time. I would give anything to feel him twirling my hair again.
Those things make me sad but something that hurts me more is to see my Chelsie grieve. This week has been especially difficult for her, I do not know exactly what triggers her moments.
She has been so lonely. We were talking the other day and she told me that she is tired of being lonely. I know that it must be so difficult for her to deal with life without her little brother. My heart just breaks for her. I don't have the words to tell her to make it better and it kills me to see her in pain.
She is such an amazing child. I cant imagine going through all of the thing she has in her short life.
There are so many aspects of this process that are so complex.I just don't know how people do this without Christ. I really don't know what I would do if did not have Him.
Yes, i am sad, and having to "do" all of this really stinks. But, God has blessed me with such an amazing group of friends and support.
I have much to be thankful for and each day the Lord gives me something more to be thankful for.
At the same time I have to feel the pain and face this process with God as my guide, and He has not promised that this will be easy, but He has promised that He will be here with me every step.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Here I go Again!

As you know I have been on this roller coaster ride called "Grief" and it is a crazy ride.
Just when you think the ride is just about to slow down just a little bit, suddenly you get
jerked around a curve and start plunging down the hill of despair! Of course this hill leads
right into the "black hole" that I think sometimes I will not escape its grips. And then suddenly I am released only for a brief moment to catch my breath.

I have times where I think okay I can do this I can face it, deal with it, and move forward. And in case you did not notice the last statement was all about how "I" can do all these things. I am learning, like being on a roller coaster we hold on to the bar knowing that is our security and that we feel safe as long as we don't let go. But then we get "brave" or whatever and raise our hands a little to enjoy the ride, which is when we go slinging and sliding allover the place and get sore allover just because we didn't hold on!

Well I am learning with this ride of "Grief" that I have been on that as soon as I let go, that is when all the yuk comes. The irrational questions come flooding in and just being plain ticked off.
But when I hold on to God and seek Him for my security the ride seems a little less bumpy.

This is my life and this is the way it is going to be until I breathe my last breath. Yes, it stinks, but I will make it through this even though I have days that I feel literally like I can not breathe.

I am in a new phase of this whole process that I was actually wondering if i would ever reach, but now that I have I am not liking it at all.
When he first died I had very little memory of the events of that day and a little bit before, like a few months. It really bothered me, I mean how could I forget my child? All I could capture in my mind were snapshots. And daily activities were fairly uneventful. But in the last few months I have started getting more "flashbacks" of the wreck and the events of the day, the funeral, and the days following. But even more, is I have these little video clips of Hunter. Like scenes from his little life playing in my mind, and they come to me at odd times. Of course not convenient for me to meltdown times.
So I have been a little stressed about going out and about because I am like a ticking time bomb of emotion just waiting to go off at any moment.
And the things that trigger my meltdowns are subtle under the radar things that you may not notice otherwise. For example, a friend may call you and have great news that they are pregnant. Yeah, you say that is so great! Congrats to you and your family. The whole time I am dying inside and more sad for myself than happy for my friend. Because I know that i will never have that again. Which brings up a whole other flood of questions like, "would I want another if I actually could?" Am I jealous? Am I just a cold hearted jerk of a friend? What the heck is my problem? etc.
And that is just one example of many that I could go on about. I mean there are certain stores that I refuse to go in because I know that the "black hole" is just waiting for me to walk through those doors so it can suck me into its grips, which I refuse to stay in.
But at the same time I need to feel. I need to cry and be sad and hurt and face some of those memories head on. I need to be able to look at his pictures without the overwhelming feeling of nausea, fear and utter sadness. But right now I cant. Which brings up a whole other set of "issues" that I don't deal with. What is so crazy about it all is I go through all of this while trying to function somewhat normally( whatever that is ) in society, work and church with a stinkin smile on my face!!!
Welcome to my roller coaster!! And I know everyone has their own ride they are on, which is equally as difficult for them as mine is for me.
But why doesn't anyone say anything? I mean really! What is the deal? We all know that people are people we all have pains and hurts that most of the people in our daily lives are completely unaware of. What is wrong with this picture? It's no wonder we are all medicated!!
So that is basically how I have been the last couple of weeks.
And my sweet child has been to the doctor or having some test for the last two weeks! Of course I told her she is my child so they will probably not figure out what is wrong! :)
So that is all I have to say about that!!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Chelsie's Baptism

My sweet little sissy bug got baptized on June 22nd! I am so proud of her, she is such an amazing child. Not because she is mine, but because of how she has shined through adversity.

She has come out of the last four years the most amazing young woman.

I knew that God had her in is hand keeping her safe and feeling loved and I am so thankful for that. Years ago when she was about two years old I started going to church thinking it was all about her, but God used that to transform our family and many other lives.

It was a beautiful day at the lake with some of our close friends and family. We all had a great time.

It has been a while

It has been a while since I have blogged. I have so much to say. Well, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotion in the last couple of months. I started seeing my grief counselor again and she has been such a huge help. And I know I have many people who love and pray for me daily.
My counselor is great, she helps me to see things that I would not see otherwise. She totally understands me and where I am in this process because she has been there too. She lost a child also so she knows how I feel.

I am going through a time where God just wants me to be still. It has been a great journey learning new characteristics about God that I knew about Him but have never personally experienced.

I have learned the Love that He has for me I can not even begin to wrap my brain around it! As I go through the grief of my little Hunter I have sought the Lord for comfort and new eyes to see me through this process. And as He, Himself says, ask and you shall receive!
He showed me how much He loves me in a new and amazing way, and that He loves my little Hunter much more than I could even imagine, which is hard for me to grasp because I cant imagine anyone loving him more than me. But He does!

My little Hunter was a special little guy, I find out a new way that he touched lives everyday. It is such a comfort to know about him from a life changed.
One of those lives I knew he had changed but I did not know to what extent. Chelsie my sweet baby girl has been changed for eternity because of him! My baby girl got baptized on June 22nd and as we went through the process of telling her testimony, she revealed something that did not know until now! My Hunter was the reason she asked Christ into her heart!
So just think about the lives that you encounter on a daily basis, are you changing their lives for the better?