Thursday, August 9, 2007

Reflecting

I have been thinking of Hunter a lot today. I miss him so much. I get really scared that I am going to forget things about him, so on days like today, this weighs really heavily on me.
I cant believe that it has been so long since we lost him, and at the same time some days its like it just happened. Grief is a crazy thing there is no real way to do it right. We all do it the way that we do it and that does not look the same for any of us.
I try not to spend to much "dwelling" on his death, but focus on his sweet little life.
I am sad that I have and will miss out on things like the first day of school of course this is why I miss him more today(today is the first day here). I see moms and dads all stressed out about getting everything and everyone to the place they need to be with all the right paperwork, shots,supplies etc.
And I would give anything to have him here with me. Smell his smell, hear his laugh and all the things that get taken for granted in our everyday routines. When will I not hurt so badly when I hear his name or see a little toe-headed boy running and playing like he would be doing.
He definitely was a special little guy! He has affected so many lives and will continue to long after I am home with him.
I get comforted through others tears for our family, all of the words of encouragement and prayers for us. God has definitely blessed us with a great support system.
When will I stop feeling like the breath has been taken from me when i look at a picture too long? What about the times when Chelsie cries for him that helpless feeling when will it get easier to handle?
When will people stop thinking that I am going to break if they mention his name?
I want people to remember him and i want to hear the stories about him that others share with me.
I just feel very heavy with grief today. Tomorrow is a new day, but I have learned something new about the whole process today that I can take into all of the tomorrows I have left here.
The pain is different than a year ago but it has not lessened in any way it is just heavier in other ways.
When I have days like this I always have a moment of reflection on my life and where I have been and where the Lord has brought me, it is amazing what He has done in my life.
I will continue on in this journey through grief and hopefully grow and heal in the process.

2 comments:

Katrina said...

Oh - nuts. There is just no way around this one - it sucks. I miscarried earlier this year, and should be looking forward to something this time of year as well. It's just rotten.

I don't know if this helps, but perhpas this is what you might have experienced with Hunter. I got this note from the Residence Inn Marriott handyman:

SORRY for the inconvenience you had with the: TOILET We believe we have corrected the problem but, if not, please call the Front Desk. Dial "0" (scrawled on the bottom) PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH DEODERANT

Laugh - please do, there is a handyman out there somewhere who really thinks I'm dumb enough to flush a deoderant!
:D

Tennessee Mama said...

Mel,
Reflecting hurts...and heals, you know? We can't just go on with our lives as if nothing happened, as if there weren't some really great days that are gone. It's the loss of our dreams for the future. Not that our future in God's Hands isn't exactly what is best for us, but it's not what we thought and hoped it would be...

I love you!