Friday, May 2, 2008

It's Been a Long Time

Wow it has been a long time since I have written anything. I have been insanely busy with life! I recovered from my surgery and shingles! I have been working full time and living at the ball park with my Chelsie! Donnie and I have a small group we love that meets at our house on Sunday evenings and I have one on Wednesdays with my girls! Okay, that is two days that I would not trade for anything! On Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays we have ball! Crazy, I know, I am definitely feeling the effects!! In the last couple of weeks it has slowed down somewhat, we are only doing three days of ball instead of four!
I am enjoying watching Chelsie have fun and make new friends.
I have been spending any spare moment with God which has been so wonderful for me, I have grown so much through my time with Him. He has been answering so many prayers that I have prayed the last year.
Although I have a long long way to go, I am feeling a little better.
I have had a very difficult year, I have been very depressed and lonely and angry with God for the events of the past four years. I think it all started when I finished my final clinical trial treatment which was in Feb. '07. It was almost like I did not know what to do now that I did not have a fight or mountain to climb. I was able to take a breath and say I made it through that unscathed!
Yeah right! Think again! That was when life as I knew it crashed down around me and no one knew it until now! (if they are reading this :) ) I finally started grieving for the first time in a real way that I could not escape from with treatments and doctors appointments and homeschooling Chelsie. With her in school and becoming a little women and wanting to be her own person. I was out there to myself to think about all of the things that I had lost, and it really sucked!
I went through days where I could not think about Hunter for too long or look at his pictures because I thought I would stop breathing or start crying and not be able to stop. I have not been able to tell "my story" because it has been to hard to even think about much less speak the words out loud.
I have been blessed by God to have met some great people this year who are going through the same thing, that have shared my tears.
I m working on focusing on the Lord and eternal perspective and I can see all around me God's hand in were He wants me to be and where He wants me to go in the future.

3 comments:

Tennessee Mama Duck said...

It is so good to hear an update from you! And even better to hear the upbeatness in your words!

Last year was a really bad year for me too. I can definitely relate to that. It's got to go up from there, right?!?

I love you. I miss you. I'm praying for you!

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel said...

I think you hit at something here. Sometimes the tangible fights, no matter how difficult they are, can be easier to cope with than the intangibles. In times where I am fighting unknown fights, I find myself more dependent on God than any other times. Those are the mornings that I wake up and say, "Okay God. Don't let me speak a single word without you in it today. I know I will screw everything up if I don't depend on you for every breath." Even though I hate those times and feel crippled by my inability to do anything right or even put one foot in front of the other, I think those are the times that God carries me the most. Or maybe he's always carrying me - it's just in those moments that I'm aware of it.

Reading your blogs has been serving almost like a daily devotional for me. Thanks for sharing.