Friday, May 2, 2008

It's Been a Long Time

Wow it has been a long time since I have written anything. I have been insanely busy with life! I recovered from my surgery and shingles! I have been working full time and living at the ball park with my Chelsie! Donnie and I have a small group we love that meets at our house on Sunday evenings and I have one on Wednesdays with my girls! Okay, that is two days that I would not trade for anything! On Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays we have ball! Crazy, I know, I am definitely feeling the effects!! In the last couple of weeks it has slowed down somewhat, we are only doing three days of ball instead of four!
I am enjoying watching Chelsie have fun and make new friends.
I have been spending any spare moment with God which has been so wonderful for me, I have grown so much through my time with Him. He has been answering so many prayers that I have prayed the last year.
Although I have a long long way to go, I am feeling a little better.
I have had a very difficult year, I have been very depressed and lonely and angry with God for the events of the past four years. I think it all started when I finished my final clinical trial treatment which was in Feb. '07. It was almost like I did not know what to do now that I did not have a fight or mountain to climb. I was able to take a breath and say I made it through that unscathed!
Yeah right! Think again! That was when life as I knew it crashed down around me and no one knew it until now! (if they are reading this :) ) I finally started grieving for the first time in a real way that I could not escape from with treatments and doctors appointments and homeschooling Chelsie. With her in school and becoming a little women and wanting to be her own person. I was out there to myself to think about all of the things that I had lost, and it really sucked!
I went through days where I could not think about Hunter for too long or look at his pictures because I thought I would stop breathing or start crying and not be able to stop. I have not been able to tell "my story" because it has been to hard to even think about much less speak the words out loud.
I have been blessed by God to have met some great people this year who are going through the same thing, that have shared my tears.
I m working on focusing on the Lord and eternal perspective and I can see all around me God's hand in were He wants me to be and where He wants me to go in the future.


Tennessee Mama Duck said...

It is so good to hear an update from you! And even better to hear the upbeatness in your words!

Last year was a really bad year for me too. I can definitely relate to that. It's got to go up from there, right?!?

I love you. I miss you. I'm praying for you!

Rachel said...
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Rachel said...

I think you hit at something here. Sometimes the tangible fights, no matter how difficult they are, can be easier to cope with than the intangibles. In times where I am fighting unknown fights, I find myself more dependent on God than any other times. Those are the mornings that I wake up and say, "Okay God. Don't let me speak a single word without you in it today. I know I will screw everything up if I don't depend on you for every breath." Even though I hate those times and feel crippled by my inability to do anything right or even put one foot in front of the other, I think those are the times that God carries me the most. Or maybe he's always carrying me - it's just in those moments that I'm aware of it.

Reading your blogs has been serving almost like a daily devotional for me. Thanks for sharing.