Thursday, July 17, 2008

Here I go Again!

As you know I have been on this roller coaster ride called "Grief" and it is a crazy ride.
Just when you think the ride is just about to slow down just a little bit, suddenly you get
jerked around a curve and start plunging down the hill of despair! Of course this hill leads
right into the "black hole" that I think sometimes I will not escape its grips. And then suddenly I am released only for a brief moment to catch my breath.

I have times where I think okay I can do this I can face it, deal with it, and move forward. And in case you did not notice the last statement was all about how "I" can do all these things. I am learning, like being on a roller coaster we hold on to the bar knowing that is our security and that we feel safe as long as we don't let go. But then we get "brave" or whatever and raise our hands a little to enjoy the ride, which is when we go slinging and sliding allover the place and get sore allover just because we didn't hold on!

Well I am learning with this ride of "Grief" that I have been on that as soon as I let go, that is when all the yuk comes. The irrational questions come flooding in and just being plain ticked off.
But when I hold on to God and seek Him for my security the ride seems a little less bumpy.

This is my life and this is the way it is going to be until I breathe my last breath. Yes, it stinks, but I will make it through this even though I have days that I feel literally like I can not breathe.

I am in a new phase of this whole process that I was actually wondering if i would ever reach, but now that I have I am not liking it at all.
When he first died I had very little memory of the events of that day and a little bit before, like a few months. It really bothered me, I mean how could I forget my child? All I could capture in my mind were snapshots. And daily activities were fairly uneventful. But in the last few months I have started getting more "flashbacks" of the wreck and the events of the day, the funeral, and the days following. But even more, is I have these little video clips of Hunter. Like scenes from his little life playing in my mind, and they come to me at odd times. Of course not convenient for me to meltdown times.
So I have been a little stressed about going out and about because I am like a ticking time bomb of emotion just waiting to go off at any moment.
And the things that trigger my meltdowns are subtle under the radar things that you may not notice otherwise. For example, a friend may call you and have great news that they are pregnant. Yeah, you say that is so great! Congrats to you and your family. The whole time I am dying inside and more sad for myself than happy for my friend. Because I know that i will never have that again. Which brings up a whole other flood of questions like, "would I want another if I actually could?" Am I jealous? Am I just a cold hearted jerk of a friend? What the heck is my problem? etc.
And that is just one example of many that I could go on about. I mean there are certain stores that I refuse to go in because I know that the "black hole" is just waiting for me to walk through those doors so it can suck me into its grips, which I refuse to stay in.
But at the same time I need to feel. I need to cry and be sad and hurt and face some of those memories head on. I need to be able to look at his pictures without the overwhelming feeling of nausea, fear and utter sadness. But right now I cant. Which brings up a whole other set of "issues" that I don't deal with. What is so crazy about it all is I go through all of this while trying to function somewhat normally( whatever that is ) in society, work and church with a stinkin smile on my face!!!
Welcome to my roller coaster!! And I know everyone has their own ride they are on, which is equally as difficult for them as mine is for me.
But why doesn't anyone say anything? I mean really! What is the deal? We all know that people are people we all have pains and hurts that most of the people in our daily lives are completely unaware of. What is wrong with this picture? It's no wonder we are all medicated!!
So that is basically how I have been the last couple of weeks.
And my sweet child has been to the doctor or having some test for the last two weeks! Of course I told her she is my child so they will probably not figure out what is wrong! :)
So that is all I have to say about that!!


Tennessee Mama Duck said...

Oh, girl! Thanks for being real. I'm praying for you. Is there anything else I can do for you? I love you!

Katrina said...

Why don't we show our grief? Hmm. I've been thinking about what you said. Probably because grief is like being a leper - once people see it, they don't know what to do with you, so they shy away the other direction and you feel even more alone than you did before.

If people do share your current grief, then they are just as broken, struggling with their own wounds. No one really wants to live in a leper colony. Its just too depressing.

So, we follow the example of Christ. We go to, and through, our own Gethsemane alone. We ask a few of those closest to us to watch and pray for us, then struggle with the bitter cup of experience that no one else can take for us.

The neat thing about Christ is that he gives us beauty for ashes. There is nothing so horrible that we experience here that he can't turn for good. A softer heart, and understanding of others who suffer, and compassion for others in their time of need.

Slowly, you go from your own trial at Gethsemane, to being one of the three who is asked to watch and pray over someone else so that they don't have to feel so alone.

You're not horrible for struggling with other's blissful ignorance. You surely miss your Hunter every hour of every day - a mother's love is never abandoned. Neither is our God's.

Gethsemane. Jesus loves me. So he went willingly, to Gethsemane.

There will be beauty and sunshine again after the storm. At least I am praying for you that there will be soon. Hang in there.

Rachel said...

Wow... What you said about the roller coaster is such a true example in every facet of our lives. As soon as we stop holding on, we start getting thrown around. We lose sight of what's coming and are dizzied by each and every curve life throws us. Let it be on Christ our Solid Rock that we stand. Let us not lose sight of him. There are the times in my life when I feel like I need him to even breathe, that I cannot get through my day without him. Though these are normally the toughest times in my life, I think it is in these moments that I "have it right" to some extent (only to the extent that any of us can ever "have it right" - ha ha). He is truly in control of every moment, so when we give him what he already has instead of fighting him for it, we find such freedom in that surrender. Thanks for sharing, and for helping me mumble through my own thoughts.