Wow! What a week I have had in regard to the Black Hole! I have been going to counseling and this last week I had a little homework to do about the Black Hole. Well, I avoided it to the bitter end! I completed the task, though not easy.
After it was finished, I thought that I would "feel" something. I did not have a whole lot of emotion about it at all. Which, of coarse, got me thinking. Why?
Well, I had a revelation! I live in the Black Whole! What I refer to as the Black Hole is not something following me around that I am trying to avoid. It is My life!
My life is the the Black Hole! I have been in a state of darkness for some time now, and what I am avoiding and running from is the love, comfort and happiness that God has for me outside of this black whole comfort I have been in basically all my life!
So, my new task is to get out of the Black Hole that I have been living in for so long and see the riches that the Lord has in store for me!
To Be Continued......
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About Me
- melbittle
- I am 35 married to my highscool sweetheart. I was blessed with the gift of having two beautiful children. Chelsie, 11 going on 30! Hunter,3 who was killed by an impaired driver three years ago, which has led to this blog. I need an outlet to voice my thoughts so here I am at the blogspot! I work at a pediatric clinic. I have been there for 3 years and I love everyone I work with so much. I have been married to my husband Donnie for almost thirteen years! We have definitely had a amazing thirteen years. When we married I certainly did not know the ride we were in for!
3 comments:
Hello Mel, Ana from Barcelona, just sending you a BIG hug and tell you that you are in my thoughts for sad moments that you and your family is living with.Kisses. Ana
Hello again Mel, this is Ana, just wishing that you are feeling much better. Take care. Ana
I would imagine that the black hole offers the appeal of a certain level of numbness. Maybe it protects you from the pain in some way, and helps you be able to live your life. But conversely, it sounds like it also "protects" you from the good emotions in life. (Sort of like anti-depressants did for me! ha ha) I'm reading a book called "Hiding from Love" and it talks a lot about helpful and hurtful hiding patterns. It's funny, because what may start out as a hiding pattern that is helpful and protective can turn into a hurtful one when we use it as an excuse not to protect us, but to eliminate emotional risk. It sounds (to me) like that is sort of what you're describing. Just another level on this fear thing that we're trying to figure out - the fear that if I put myself out there again, I'm going to get hurt AGAIN. I doubt any of my rambling just then made any sense... I'm trying to figure out this balance for myself. How do I protect myself from pain without shutting myself off completely? I guess at the end of the day, I tend to err on the side of letting God protect my heart. I told Him last night that I'll keep opening myself up if He keeps getting me through it with his peace and strength. I guess we'll see how that goes... I know it's a different struggle ENTIRELY. But your description just got me thinking (and rambling, apparently).
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