I had one of those wonderful epiphany moments that I love today! I wrote yesterday about contentment and how I am not and I wish to be content.Well, I have prayed for God to teach me and show me how and show me the formula for success in the contentment category of my life.
Well, all I can say is, ask and you shall receive!
I have the privilege of being part of an awesome ministry that has touch my life in ways that words cannot even begin to express. I was with some of the most precious women in this ministry tonight talking about life's trials and triumphs and it hit me like a bolt of lightening!
In my pursuit for contentment God showed me tonight that I have it!
Contentment isn't this awesome high of being "always filled to the brim with love, joy peace, patience, etc.." It is all of those things but it is all of those things in spite of the aching in your heart because of a lost loved one, a serious illness, divorce or whatever it may be in your life.
I believe Christ had contentment in the garden of Gethsemane, but He also struggled with cruel ways of this fallen world that He so graciously saved us from.
What God showed me tonight as I sat with these wonderful ladies, that yes life is not easy this time of year and it hurts to be without those that you love so dearly. But, the contentment comes when you realize it is not some mushy gushy feeling that you are going to have all of the time just because you are a Christian.
I looked it up in Eastman's Dictionary and here is what I found, "a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be"
I have accepted that my circumstances are what they are, my child is not here with me now, my health could be a lot better. What I do have is a God who loves me and sent His Son to save me and that was not enough. He loves me so much that He has placed the most precious people in my life to love and support me when I have rough days. So contentment is not the warm and fuzzies all the time and I will be okay the rest of my life without my boy, and my health isn't the greatest and I may not grow old. But I do have peace that my baby is in a place I too will be in someday whenever that may be.
It is the tears shared amongst friends, the laughter and joy in others triumphs! It is the smile and kind word of someone whose life you touched and did not even know it, and the prayers of people that you wont see until you meet in Heaven. That is contentment!
So I say,"Thank you God for answered prayer and your unfailing Love and mercy on me.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Contentment
This is a very hard time of year for me. It is not a good time of year for many people. For those of you that don't seriously struggle through this time of year please remember those of us who want to go to sleep and wake up when it is over.
I sometimes come off as though I am content with life and all is good, but the truth is that I am lacking contentment right now. I have this void in my life that can only be filled by God and I don't know how to get there. I feel so far from Him during these times of sadness and grief. I just want to have my baby boy here with me.
Sometimes I ask God when is the pain going to stop and how do I make it through these times. I live in fear a lot of the time, fear of what is next. Who is going to die when is the Cancer coming back. I long for contentment in life, being okay with where I am right now and not worry or dwell on the past.
Someday. I will.
I sometimes come off as though I am content with life and all is good, but the truth is that I am lacking contentment right now. I have this void in my life that can only be filled by God and I don't know how to get there. I feel so far from Him during these times of sadness and grief. I just want to have my baby boy here with me.
Sometimes I ask God when is the pain going to stop and how do I make it through these times. I live in fear a lot of the time, fear of what is next. Who is going to die when is the Cancer coming back. I long for contentment in life, being okay with where I am right now and not worry or dwell on the past.
Someday. I will.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Grace
How many of us are walking around feeling wounded and alone and feeling there is not one person who could ever begin to understand what you are going through? God has given me such an awesome perspective on my life and the lives of others the past few years.
My life and just about every one's life has been full of trials and triumphs. What I have found in this journey through life is that each thing you go through prepares you for the next step in life.
I know that is always the thing you hear when you are in the midst of pain, but it is true.
We have the tendency to forget this when the trial is over and just move on as if nothing happens. We don't take these moments and learn from them.
I have been able to embrace this concept more in the last few years with the help of God of course.
When I lost Hunter, I thought the world should end, because mine did. I thought there is nothing teachable about this and there is nothing I want to learn. But by God's grace and buddy do I believe in His grace, because I was angry at the world and Him! He has taught me more than I could have ever imagined.
It took me until very recently that I have really been able to come out of the fog long enough to realize that we are all walking wounded in need of something more than this world can offer.
I don't know without a doubt why my baby boy was taken at such a young age, but I do know that our family is closer to each other and to God through it, and I do know that when our purpose is fulfilled on this earth we are taken home not one second early or late.
I believe when I got the Cancer diagnosis and started going through the process God showed me that we all have hurts and pain that we carry and that it is not all about me.
He opened my eyes to a world of hurting people, and I actually understood them because I have experienced most of these things.
I have been sexually abused, physically abused, emotionally abused, been through divorce of my parents, had a close friend die, diagnosed with Crohn's disease, part of a marriage filled with loneliness, loss of a child, loss of a parent and Breast Cancer. I think maybe I can relate to a few people.
But the funny thing is that not one of these things alone showed me what I really needed to see and know about others it was a combination of all of these things.
He has recently lifted the fog a little more and I am able to have joy again, true joy that is real and is only from Him.
My hope is that some how God's love will shine through me and I will be an encouragement.
My life and just about every one's life has been full of trials and triumphs. What I have found in this journey through life is that each thing you go through prepares you for the next step in life.
I know that is always the thing you hear when you are in the midst of pain, but it is true.
We have the tendency to forget this when the trial is over and just move on as if nothing happens. We don't take these moments and learn from them.
I have been able to embrace this concept more in the last few years with the help of God of course.
When I lost Hunter, I thought the world should end, because mine did. I thought there is nothing teachable about this and there is nothing I want to learn. But by God's grace and buddy do I believe in His grace, because I was angry at the world and Him! He has taught me more than I could have ever imagined.
It took me until very recently that I have really been able to come out of the fog long enough to realize that we are all walking wounded in need of something more than this world can offer.
I don't know without a doubt why my baby boy was taken at such a young age, but I do know that our family is closer to each other and to God through it, and I do know that when our purpose is fulfilled on this earth we are taken home not one second early or late.
I believe when I got the Cancer diagnosis and started going through the process God showed me that we all have hurts and pain that we carry and that it is not all about me.
He opened my eyes to a world of hurting people, and I actually understood them because I have experienced most of these things.
I have been sexually abused, physically abused, emotionally abused, been through divorce of my parents, had a close friend die, diagnosed with Crohn's disease, part of a marriage filled with loneliness, loss of a child, loss of a parent and Breast Cancer. I think maybe I can relate to a few people.
But the funny thing is that not one of these things alone showed me what I really needed to see and know about others it was a combination of all of these things.
He has recently lifted the fog a little more and I am able to have joy again, true joy that is real and is only from Him.
My hope is that some how God's love will shine through me and I will be an encouragement.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Another Surgery
Yep, you read it right, another surgery! I am undergoing reconstruction. I said I would not do it, but there were several things that made me change my mind.
First of all I found a wonderful doctor, Dr. Reath. He is awesome and has done a great job so far I am very pleased.
And unfortunately insurance companies run the show so I had a small window in which I could have this done so I thought I had better do it now and not regret not doing it 10 years from now.
I am about three weeks out and I am doing very well. It was a four hour surgery and I stayed in the hospital a couple of days. I cant believe how well that I have done, I have surprised myself!
Of course I have over done it a day or two.
I have tissue expanders in right now so I have to go in every two weeks and get them injected with saline. I get to fill them up until I have the size that I like, isn't that the coolest thing!
You have to find the silver lining in these things!
Once I am satisfied with the size I go back for my permanent implants which will be in about six or eight months.
They said it will take a year from start to finish and then I can close this chapter in life.
Very exciting.
First of all I found a wonderful doctor, Dr. Reath. He is awesome and has done a great job so far I am very pleased.
And unfortunately insurance companies run the show so I had a small window in which I could have this done so I thought I had better do it now and not regret not doing it 10 years from now.
I am about three weeks out and I am doing very well. It was a four hour surgery and I stayed in the hospital a couple of days. I cant believe how well that I have done, I have surprised myself!
Of course I have over done it a day or two.
I have tissue expanders in right now so I have to go in every two weeks and get them injected with saline. I get to fill them up until I have the size that I like, isn't that the coolest thing!
You have to find the silver lining in these things!
Once I am satisfied with the size I go back for my permanent implants which will be in about six or eight months.
They said it will take a year from start to finish and then I can close this chapter in life.
Very exciting.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Do You Think Before You Speak?
Let me tell you the adventure that I have been on with my mouth the last week! I saw the guy on Oprah with the Complaint Free World bracelets and felt up for the challenge! Well little did I know how bad my mouth was with complaining! So here's the deal with the bracelets. You wear this bracelet and you cannot complain, gossip or criticize for 21 days straight and if you do you have to switch the bracelet to the other wrist and start all over!
I am thinking I can do this it should be fairly simple,right? WRONG! It was like everything that could go wrong went wrong of course.
You really do not realize how much negativity comes out of your mouth until you challenge yourself this way. I have really been convicted by this because I have yet to make it through a day without have to switch my bracelet!
It also makes you more aware of what others say. And I have learned a lot about myself and others.
You know you don't have any idea what goes on in the lives of others really unless you are in a trying time yourself. And guess what most of us are most of the time!
So be kind, consider what may be going on behind the scenes. The mean lady at the grocery store may have lost her child,husband, father or mother. Or may have a difficult marriage, out of control teens or whatever else goes on in this crazy world!
Complaining is so not productive at all! i have wasted so many words and time on complaining that it makes me sad.
So I challenge you to Think before you speak, remembering James 1:22-26 says
" Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless."
It is so important to remember that this life on earth is not our home and is so fleeting do you want to be left with a life that was full of complaints?
I am thinking I can do this it should be fairly simple,right? WRONG! It was like everything that could go wrong went wrong of course.
You really do not realize how much negativity comes out of your mouth until you challenge yourself this way. I have really been convicted by this because I have yet to make it through a day without have to switch my bracelet!
It also makes you more aware of what others say. And I have learned a lot about myself and others.
You know you don't have any idea what goes on in the lives of others really unless you are in a trying time yourself. And guess what most of us are most of the time!
So be kind, consider what may be going on behind the scenes. The mean lady at the grocery store may have lost her child,husband, father or mother. Or may have a difficult marriage, out of control teens or whatever else goes on in this crazy world!
Complaining is so not productive at all! i have wasted so many words and time on complaining that it makes me sad.
So I challenge you to Think before you speak, remembering James 1:22-26 says
" Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless."
It is so important to remember that this life on earth is not our home and is so fleeting do you want to be left with a life that was full of complaints?
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Reflecting
I have been thinking of Hunter a lot today. I miss him so much. I get really scared that I am going to forget things about him, so on days like today, this weighs really heavily on me.
I cant believe that it has been so long since we lost him, and at the same time some days its like it just happened. Grief is a crazy thing there is no real way to do it right. We all do it the way that we do it and that does not look the same for any of us.
I try not to spend to much "dwelling" on his death, but focus on his sweet little life.
I am sad that I have and will miss out on things like the first day of school of course this is why I miss him more today(today is the first day here). I see moms and dads all stressed out about getting everything and everyone to the place they need to be with all the right paperwork, shots,supplies etc.
And I would give anything to have him here with me. Smell his smell, hear his laugh and all the things that get taken for granted in our everyday routines. When will I not hurt so badly when I hear his name or see a little toe-headed boy running and playing like he would be doing.
He definitely was a special little guy! He has affected so many lives and will continue to long after I am home with him.
I get comforted through others tears for our family, all of the words of encouragement and prayers for us. God has definitely blessed us with a great support system.
When will I stop feeling like the breath has been taken from me when i look at a picture too long? What about the times when Chelsie cries for him that helpless feeling when will it get easier to handle?
When will people stop thinking that I am going to break if they mention his name?
I want people to remember him and i want to hear the stories about him that others share with me.
I just feel very heavy with grief today. Tomorrow is a new day, but I have learned something new about the whole process today that I can take into all of the tomorrows I have left here.
The pain is different than a year ago but it has not lessened in any way it is just heavier in other ways.
When I have days like this I always have a moment of reflection on my life and where I have been and where the Lord has brought me, it is amazing what He has done in my life.
I will continue on in this journey through grief and hopefully grow and heal in the process.
I cant believe that it has been so long since we lost him, and at the same time some days its like it just happened. Grief is a crazy thing there is no real way to do it right. We all do it the way that we do it and that does not look the same for any of us.
I try not to spend to much "dwelling" on his death, but focus on his sweet little life.
I am sad that I have and will miss out on things like the first day of school of course this is why I miss him more today(today is the first day here). I see moms and dads all stressed out about getting everything and everyone to the place they need to be with all the right paperwork, shots,supplies etc.
And I would give anything to have him here with me. Smell his smell, hear his laugh and all the things that get taken for granted in our everyday routines. When will I not hurt so badly when I hear his name or see a little toe-headed boy running and playing like he would be doing.
He definitely was a special little guy! He has affected so many lives and will continue to long after I am home with him.
I get comforted through others tears for our family, all of the words of encouragement and prayers for us. God has definitely blessed us with a great support system.
When will I stop feeling like the breath has been taken from me when i look at a picture too long? What about the times when Chelsie cries for him that helpless feeling when will it get easier to handle?
When will people stop thinking that I am going to break if they mention his name?
I want people to remember him and i want to hear the stories about him that others share with me.
I just feel very heavy with grief today. Tomorrow is a new day, but I have learned something new about the whole process today that I can take into all of the tomorrows I have left here.
The pain is different than a year ago but it has not lessened in any way it is just heavier in other ways.
When I have days like this I always have a moment of reflection on my life and where I have been and where the Lord has brought me, it is amazing what He has done in my life.
I will continue on in this journey through grief and hopefully grow and heal in the process.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Time
Life is so funny. We spend most of our time wishing we were in the future and then we spend the present wishing we were in the past. Seems crazy. You would think that me of all people would have some kind of grasp on time and how we should enjoy every second and savor every moment with friends and family.
But, yes I too take it all for granted! You would think after the loss of a child and cancer I would have snapped out of it just a little!
Well a little is about it! Though I have many more moments that I let go that I used to worry about, and I do take the time to answer when I hear the words MOM! shouted from across the house! And the things I let get me upset don't upset me anymore.
So yeah maybe those things I have been through for the last few years were worth it.
Because I am definitely not who I was nor do I wish to be that person again! And I definitely am trying to look at time differently.
There is something that I am looking forward to in the future and that is putting this whole cancer business behind me! Buddy that is something I look forward to this year.
I will be having the first of two surgeries in a few weeks, of which I am very excited about!
I will be getting some new girls to accompany me through the rest of this crazy life!
I went today for my pre-op appt. and it will take a year to complete, but considering the past year this should be a walk in the park!
But, yes I too take it all for granted! You would think after the loss of a child and cancer I would have snapped out of it just a little!
Well a little is about it! Though I have many more moments that I let go that I used to worry about, and I do take the time to answer when I hear the words MOM! shouted from across the house! And the things I let get me upset don't upset me anymore.
So yeah maybe those things I have been through for the last few years were worth it.
Because I am definitely not who I was nor do I wish to be that person again! And I definitely am trying to look at time differently.
There is something that I am looking forward to in the future and that is putting this whole cancer business behind me! Buddy that is something I look forward to this year.
I will be having the first of two surgeries in a few weeks, of which I am very excited about!
I will be getting some new girls to accompany me through the rest of this crazy life!
I went today for my pre-op appt. and it will take a year to complete, but considering the past year this should be a walk in the park!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Gift
In Jan. having abilateral mastectomy and starting chemo. in Feb. It was a hard blow needless to say, I lost the main things that make you who you are, right?
I mean we all want to look good, don't we? Well, good was far from what I looked like! No boobs and no hair, I looked like an alien!
And then one day I stepped out of the shower, which was now scarrier than ever! Who was in the mirror? Was it still Melanie? Was there any beauty there? Was I still a women, now that everything that made me a women was gone?
All of these questions went through my mind as I stood there and almost immediately, the answer came!
These things have absolutely Nothing to do with what makes you, You!
What an amazing gift to get at such a trying time in my life.
I have learned much about my identity in the past few years, after loosing my three year old, then loosing my father, and then my boobs and hair!
Talking about a reality check!
My identity was not completely being Hunters mom, or Joe's daughter, or the girl with nice hair and boobs!
The gift I was given in loosing all of those things was ME!
Not that I am not still all of those things, God made ME and he loves Me and He thinks that I am beautiful, and he knows every tear I cry over the loss of my precious baby boy, and loosing my dad, and that I would face cancer.
He has and will continue to carry me through all of the trials I have been through and will go through.
Because of the gift of his son Jesus Christ I am able to keep on keepin' on.
I mean we all want to look good, don't we? Well, good was far from what I looked like! No boobs and no hair, I looked like an alien!
And then one day I stepped out of the shower, which was now scarrier than ever! Who was in the mirror? Was it still Melanie? Was there any beauty there? Was I still a women, now that everything that made me a women was gone?
All of these questions went through my mind as I stood there and almost immediately, the answer came!
These things have absolutely Nothing to do with what makes you, You!
What an amazing gift to get at such a trying time in my life.
I have learned much about my identity in the past few years, after loosing my three year old, then loosing my father, and then my boobs and hair!
Talking about a reality check!
My identity was not completely being Hunters mom, or Joe's daughter, or the girl with nice hair and boobs!
The gift I was given in loosing all of those things was ME!
Not that I am not still all of those things, God made ME and he loves Me and He thinks that I am beautiful, and he knows every tear I cry over the loss of my precious baby boy, and loosing my dad, and that I would face cancer.
He has and will continue to carry me through all of the trials I have been through and will go through.
Because of the gift of his son Jesus Christ I am able to keep on keepin' on.
Perspective
Isn't that what it is all about? It being life. Perspective is all you need to survive in this crazy world. It has taken me some time to get to this place in my life. It comes from the last three years. I have learned more about myself and God than I could have ever imagined or prayed for in this life. But, if you are a Christian and you know you will be in Heaven for eternity the things that happen here in this life have a whole new meaning. And your perspective is completely different. It's amazing to see how much easier it is to handle the trials of this life when you have an eternal perspective.
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