Working through grief

Work is definitely what this whole process is like, work! Really hard work that takes a toll on your body and spirit. It's funny because I have gone back and forth between the fear of life and lack of fear. It is really strange how I can go from one extreme to another, but I feel such an urgency to live life to the fullest and at the same time I fear what is around the corner, the what's next factor.
I feel like as soon as I take a breath and say okay I can make it, something hits me in the face.
After the loss of a child or anyone for that matter you tend to search for who you really are in this crazy world, where exactly do I fit always comes to mind.
Because everything you were before is gone, the role of who you were is no longer you role.
So what do you do when the child you have left here gets older and really doesn't "need" or want to be around you much anymore? Preteens have to find out who they are too.
Which brings me to where I have been the last couple of weeks. I have come to the realization that my baby boy is not here anymore and that my baby girl is growing up and does not need mom as much, and the fact that I will not ever have anymore.
And I wonder why I am grieving! :)
I have prayed through this whole experience for God to bring me closer to Him and help to have more knowledge of Him and now I act surprised when he answers!
I get so busy looking forward and forget that I need to be looking up. He is my sustainer and will provide every thing that I need exactly when I need it.
The tears this week have come further apart and I believe it is because I looked up instead of ahead to what is right in front of me.
I just pray that this is something that continues.