Saturday, May 31, 2008


If you would like to hear the song Empty Me, click on the little baby to see the video.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Empty Me

I love to listen to music especially when I am down, God always speaks to me through it. I have been listening to a lot of music lately and I am always looking for something new to listen to, so I found this awesome song that just spoke to my heart. So instead of rambling on about poor little ole me I want to share these lyrics. I hope it blesses you like it has me.

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright To see how it gets in the blood. And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride And found a little is not quite enough. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside, Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride, And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies To know how prodigals can be drawn away. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you.
So, I surrender all! Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you. Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Understanding Grief

I am definitely learning a lot about this whole grief thing! First, no one does it the same.
I spend much of my time trying to understand why people don't understand my grief.
Well, it is because we all process it differently. Some start out in the anger phase, some in acceptance, and others in denial. We all go through the steps of grief, but the steps come at various times after a death. So why cant we allow each other to feel how we do whenever we feel like it!
Why do I expect someone to get me, when I don't even get myself?!
I mean it is really kinda silly, because I don't even know how I feel or why I feel it half the time, why should I expect some one to be sensitive to what they say or don't say to me!
My sweet husband, for example, says I just need to get over the fact that people are people and move on! Sounds easy enough. Wrong!
Well, that works for him but it does not for me. And there is nothing wrong with each of our ways of dealing. I understand that, why doesn't anyone else.
So for the last two weeks almost I have cried daily over the death of my sweet baby boy.
Added to this pain in itself I am dealing with the fact that people have moved on and I am stuck in time. It is upsetting to me that people think I should be "okay" by now. That I should "move on" and " there is nothing you can do to bring him back" or "there is nothing you can do to change it".
Well now, tell me something I don't know!!
I am painfully aware of all of these things, I know I need to accept that people are people and they will fail me. Of all people I Know!! UGGHH!!
Can I get an AMEN!!
I have been hyper sensitive the last couple of weeks and I probably should have been this way four years ago. But, God knew then that I could not process these things and function while doing what I needed for Chelsie and Donnie, and what it took to have some fight in me for Cancer!
So I am here alone with little understanding from those that deal with me on a frequent basis.
I have felt insulted by the lack of compassion from people and saddened by the utter aloneness that I feel. It is beyond what any words can possibly begin to express.
So I search for answers to what and how I can learn from these experiences and feelings.
That anyone who grieves deals with it in their own unique CORRECT way. No one can tell you how or when you should feel, because when you feel whatever it is at the time, that is the way You grieve.
The things that EVERYONE should know and live during this process is:
People will always let you down at some point and in some way. God never does.
You are not alone. God is always there even if you don't feel Him there.
There is always someone lifting you up in prayer.
Look to God to guide you through is word and the Holy Spirit.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Do not isolate! (easier said than done :) )

There is more I am sure but those are the things I try to remember each day.
When I focus on eternity God is glorified and my heart is lightened.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Still Crying

Yes, three days after the anniversary of my baby boy's death the tears are still flowing. The pain is as if I was just told he is gone. So why am I so surprised that I have not stopped?

Why would I think that I should have? It is really kinda crazy.

So did I think some how that I should be finished with the whole grief process?

Monday I stood at his grave staring at this beautiful child and lost my breath (literally) as I realized that he was mine!! And that four years ago I planned this child's funeral and designed this headstone I was starring at and I had no memory of it.

My heart literally aches to hold him and touch him. I looked at the dates on his headstone and realized that he has now been dead longer than he was alive.

The flood of tears came and have not stopped!!

God has cleared my schedule and my mind to grieve, and buddy it stinks!!

I know that I need to but I don't want to, it hurts too bad. This pain is beyond what any words can express. I don't know how to let go and cry when I feel like it, I am the queen of stuffing the tears!

These tears are way different though, theses tears are strong and can't be stuffed anywhere.

They are never ending tears that take my breath away.

how do you grieve anyway! There are no books on how to grieve that actually fit everyone who is grieving.

When will the pain stop, when will the tears stop? How do you heal the loss of a child?

A friend and I were talking about the loss of a child and how desperate you feel to breath without fearing the next breath, because you know that the next breath is going to be without your child so you don't think you can take another. And she said it is the space between the breaths that you are stuck in and that is exactly how you feel stuck in that space between breaths forever.

Part of me is gone, part of my heart is missing and I will never ever be the same.

Who am I, who will I turn into? Will this hurt ever stop?

Because, as of this week the pain has intensified times a million.

I know that God is with because He promises that He will never let me go, but right now I feel like He is being silent.

I have definitely realized that I beat myself up too much and I have to relearn all of those things that I learned as a child and accept what is and allow whatever emotion to arrive in the way God meant for it to. He never said this life was going to be easy, He just said to depend on Him and He will take care of the rest.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

When Your World Stops

Well here I am another anniversary under my belt. May 19 four years ago my baby was taken from our lives. Where do I begin with the emotions that I feel on this day? Well, let me first start by saying, this is the first year that I actually had to face my sons death. Four years ago I was lying in a hospital bed on pain meds and whatever else they could give me to stop me from crying long enough to plan a funeral. Plan a funeral. For a three year old child, who even thinks of this? Three months after Hunter died my father died. About a year later Breast Cancer!! Grieve who has time for that, I have a husband, daughter, Cancer, job!! Who has time for grieving. Well the past six months I have been doing some major grieving and honey it ain't pretty!!

For the first time I have had to look at grief with new eyes, clear eyes. The fog of meds. gone, tasks that I must do (yeah right) Cancer to fight, the dust had settled... what? Flood gates, Open Wide!!! The questions flood my thoughts, daily attacking me for answers to how and why me? Anger at those who "let me down" and ran from this "cursed" person. It is almost as if you are in this crazy dream and you have this contagious disease that no one wants to catch, so if they stay far enough away as not to catch this awful thing.

Yes, believe it or not, as much as we would like to believe we do not GROW UP from Middle School and act like ADULTS with COMMON SENSE and just a smidge of COMPASSION!!!

When someone even remotely close to us deals with a tragedy. Sad, but true.

Which brings me back to days like anniversary dates of death. These are just another day to most. And yes, it does suck every day. But, this day magnifies the fact that your world stopped on this day however many years ago, and everyone else life went on and you are watching and knowing that that will never be you again in this lifetime.

So how did I do this day? Awful. With many tears and much sadness. Thankfully God has blessed me with my beautiful daughter whom is my reason for living and breathing one more breath. And my precious husband who daily amazes me with his courage and faith.

I must say that my faith in God has strengthened and my faith in man has weakened more than I would like to admit.

I love you Bubby. My sweet baby boy.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Just When You Think Your Doing Better

Grief is funny that way, just when you think you are over the mountain you are suddenly faced with an emotion you had no idea was there. Maybe not that it was not there, but that it couldn't feel any worse. Guess what, it does! I went through April thinking I was coming out of the fog only to realize that the guy who caused us all this pain, is walking free as I write this!
And not to mention that I have to do "Mother's Day" with a smile on my face as though it is some kind of great day. Yes, it is a day where I can appreciate the most precious girl in the whole world, my little sissy bug! But Mother's Day for me is a day where not only I remember the day I lost my child, the emptiness that my soul feels without him here with me and not to mention the fact that the people who have moved on with their lives have conveniently forgotten why I may be upset on this day. Go figure!
And it only gets better! Mother's Day also marks for our family the last "holiday" we spent with Hunter. Because one week from today is the anniversary of his death. Four years, i cant believe it has been that long. It feels just like yesterday sometimes, and other times it feels like forever!
I worry about things that most of us don't think about when our child is well and alive. Like what their voice sounded like when they first started talking or what it really like to hold them close and rock them to sleep. Things like that I am losing as the years pass, I feel forgetting what he looked like when he was laughing and playing. I fear that I will forget to think about him first thing in the morning when I wake and last thing at night. What if that happens? What then? Those fears take me to his photos but I can not stay there long at all, because(as a friend said) I see myself standing on the edge of this black hole that if I stare at those photos too long or think to intently about him I will be sucked into a place that I wont come back from.
God always taps me on the shoulder and makes me look back at what I need to focus on, but it is always there everyday. They don't teach this stuff in books when you are becoming a shrink or councilor or whatever your name for it is. Grief work is completely different for everyone. It looks different, it feels different no two people grieve the same, it is completely and totally unknown except to the one who is doing grief. Its like those diets say it is not temporary it is a lifestyle change. It is true. Everything changes in that moment that your child dies.
Nothing is ever the same, you, your family, your friends, nothing is the same. You look at life with a new filter a new perspective. Things that once matter don't matter anymore. You find out who you matter to really quickly and some how you manage to make it through each day without getting to close to the edge of the black hole that is always within sight.
And on days that you think your going to fall in God is always there to pull you back. But I must say especially in the last year I feel like that passage in the Bible that talks about trials in James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I must be lacking a whole heck of a lot, cause buddy I have been tested on every angle of my life!
It gets frustrating sometimes for me, because I think that I am so selfish that I would dare want one more single solitary thing from God as if He owes me something! Thank goodness His word is here to give me a wake up call to get over myself and live for Him.
Not that it is at all easy, but it does help to soften the blow a little when I remember what He did for me, just silly ole me. Wow, how how amazing is that! Although I have days where I am screaming and throwing a tantrum that I don't want to grow up and be "mature". He gently shows me something important that He needs to refine in me and through all of that I am grateful.

Friday, May 2, 2008

It's Been a Long Time

Wow it has been a long time since I have written anything. I have been insanely busy with life! I recovered from my surgery and shingles! I have been working full time and living at the ball park with my Chelsie! Donnie and I have a small group we love that meets at our house on Sunday evenings and I have one on Wednesdays with my girls! Okay, that is two days that I would not trade for anything! On Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays we have ball! Crazy, I know, I am definitely feeling the effects!! In the last couple of weeks it has slowed down somewhat, we are only doing three days of ball instead of four!
I am enjoying watching Chelsie have fun and make new friends.
I have been spending any spare moment with God which has been so wonderful for me, I have grown so much through my time with Him. He has been answering so many prayers that I have prayed the last year.
Although I have a long long way to go, I am feeling a little better.
I have had a very difficult year, I have been very depressed and lonely and angry with God for the events of the past four years. I think it all started when I finished my final clinical trial treatment which was in Feb. '07. It was almost like I did not know what to do now that I did not have a fight or mountain to climb. I was able to take a breath and say I made it through that unscathed!
Yeah right! Think again! That was when life as I knew it crashed down around me and no one knew it until now! (if they are reading this :) ) I finally started grieving for the first time in a real way that I could not escape from with treatments and doctors appointments and homeschooling Chelsie. With her in school and becoming a little women and wanting to be her own person. I was out there to myself to think about all of the things that I had lost, and it really sucked!
I went through days where I could not think about Hunter for too long or look at his pictures because I thought I would stop breathing or start crying and not be able to stop. I have not been able to tell "my story" because it has been to hard to even think about much less speak the words out loud.
I have been blessed by God to have met some great people this year who are going through the same thing, that have shared my tears.
I m working on focusing on the Lord and eternal perspective and I can see all around me God's hand in were He wants me to be and where He wants me to go in the future.