Wednesday, October 22, 2008

God Moments

For those of you who are reading this and do not know me. I have what I call "God Moments" very frequently in my life especially since my little Hunter died. People have told me for the past four years you must write down these times that God says hang on, I am still here with you and everything is going to be alright.

So I thought what the heck, I will start blogging them! They are not going to be in any order because they just come back to be every now and then and of course the are still happening at least every other week or so.

Here is the most recent.

My precious husband sometimes has the opportunity to tell his story to people that he works for and it usually is very impactful on everyone involved. He is a contractor so God gives him many opportunities to share about his faith through our little Hunter.

One day a couple of weeks ago my husband came home from work and was a little sad, I asked what was wrong and he begins to tell the story of his day and how God had given him an opportunity to share his story with a new client. He tells me what was said and how he explained to this man that hunter was 3 years 3 months and 3 days old when he died and how this man was impacted.

Then he says where is your Bible because this man came to me later and said that the Lord had laid it upon his heart to tell him to go to Jeremiah 33:3 and read it.

When my husband said this I started crying immediately. I was recovering from pneumonia and the flu and had been out of work for almost two weeks and had taken this opportunity to catch up on journaling and spending time with the Lord.

Well, the Lord had laid it upon my heart to write a scripture passage every day that I journal.

Guess what verse it was!!!!!!!!!!! Jeremiah 33:3!!!!

How awesome is that!!! For two weeks before my husband even knew this man who told him about this verse, who himself did not know what this verse said, I had been writing it faithfully in my journal.

Well here it is i pray that it impacts your heart as it has mine for more reasons than one.

" You will call to me and I will answer, I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know. "

Jeremiah 33:3

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What next?

Do you ever have those moments when your just kind of floating in between where you are and where it is you would like to be? I feel like I am in limbo of where I am and where God is directing me in life. It is very weird. I feel like I am at a place where I don't really feel great but I don't feel really awful either.
I have been doing much grief work for the last four years especially this year. I have experienced many losses that have really hurt me. And I know that it is all part of the plan God has for my life, but it does not make it any easier.
So I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord and praying more than I have probably prayed in my life. I have really been able to work through so much and have a clearer understanding of myself and others.
I am learning that people hurt each other, sometimes intentionally and most of the time unintentionally. What I am learning is that I am not responsible for anyone else's actions but my own, and beyond that I have no control.
I have really had a difficult time understanding, accepting and working through the losses that I have been through.
I think the weirdness that I have been experiencing is really not limbo it is peace! Peace is something that I think I have really never ever had in my life so I think identifying it is difficult.
Life has been just as crazy and busy as usual between work, church and Chelsie's extracurricular activities which I do five days a week!! But with all of that, peace is what I think I am feeling.
Speaking of my little sissy bug, she is just a few short days from being a teenager !!!
Yikes! This is a whole new world! If there is any time to have a good prayer life , this is definitely it!! She is the most amazing young lady ever, and I am not saying that because she is mine. But she is great fun and happy! I am so very blessed to call her my daughter!
This journey to be continued.....

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Black Hole

Wow! What a week I have had in regard to the Black Hole! I have been going to counseling and this last week I had a little homework to do about the Black Hole. Well, I avoided it to the bitter end! I completed the task, though not easy.
After it was finished, I thought that I would "feel" something. I did not have a whole lot of emotion about it at all. Which, of coarse, got me thinking. Why?
Well, I had a revelation! I live in the Black Whole! What I refer to as the Black Hole is not something following me around that I am trying to avoid. It is My life!
My life is the the Black Hole! I have been in a state of darkness for some time now, and what I am avoiding and running from is the love, comfort and happiness that God has for me outside of this black whole comfort I have been in basically all my life!
So, my new task is to get out of the Black Hole that I have been living in for so long and see the riches that the Lord has in store for me!
To Be Continued......

Monday, August 25, 2008

Facing The Black Hole

I have been so busy lately, well always for that matter running from my Black Hole! Someone dear to me described the grief she felt after the loss of her baby as The Black Hole and I adopted that name as my own, because that is totally what it feels like. You know it's there and you know if you get to close or go in, that it may be that you will not return!!
Okay now that I have explained what it is, let me tell you that this hole is a lifetime of hurt, regret, extreme sorrow, and feelings that I have no words for and can't even fathom the emotion that they will evoke in me.
With that said, I have to face it, confront it, feel it, and get through it. And let me tell you it is terrifying! I have been in a very reflective mode lately and feel stuck in time unable to move forward until I face the dreaded Black Hole.
I have been going to grief counseling and this is my homework for this week. I know that this will be good for me and God has been moving me towards this for a very long time. And I have been running for a very long time!
I feel like I am a pretty real person most of the time, but there definitely is a part of myself that I keep protected and guarded. The part that God wants most for me to share and that is my whole heart.
Man that is hard for me because, I have been hurt, many times by those that I have given my whole heart to and that is why I have built a fortress around it.
I know that this will be the best thing for me and my family.
Please be in prayer for me on this adventure!

Friday, July 18, 2008

On This Ride Together!

Well, I spent yesterday crying again just aching to hold my baby boy one more time. I would give anything to feel him twirling my hair again.
Those things make me sad but something that hurts me more is to see my Chelsie grieve. This week has been especially difficult for her, I do not know exactly what triggers her moments.
She has been so lonely. We were talking the other day and she told me that she is tired of being lonely. I know that it must be so difficult for her to deal with life without her little brother. My heart just breaks for her. I don't have the words to tell her to make it better and it kills me to see her in pain.
She is such an amazing child. I cant imagine going through all of the thing she has in her short life.
There are so many aspects of this process that are so complex.I just don't know how people do this without Christ. I really don't know what I would do if did not have Him.
Yes, i am sad, and having to "do" all of this really stinks. But, God has blessed me with such an amazing group of friends and support.
I have much to be thankful for and each day the Lord gives me something more to be thankful for.
At the same time I have to feel the pain and face this process with God as my guide, and He has not promised that this will be easy, but He has promised that He will be here with me every step.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Here I go Again!

As you know I have been on this roller coaster ride called "Grief" and it is a crazy ride.
Just when you think the ride is just about to slow down just a little bit, suddenly you get
jerked around a curve and start plunging down the hill of despair! Of course this hill leads
right into the "black hole" that I think sometimes I will not escape its grips. And then suddenly I am released only for a brief moment to catch my breath.

I have times where I think okay I can do this I can face it, deal with it, and move forward. And in case you did not notice the last statement was all about how "I" can do all these things. I am learning, like being on a roller coaster we hold on to the bar knowing that is our security and that we feel safe as long as we don't let go. But then we get "brave" or whatever and raise our hands a little to enjoy the ride, which is when we go slinging and sliding allover the place and get sore allover just because we didn't hold on!

Well I am learning with this ride of "Grief" that I have been on that as soon as I let go, that is when all the yuk comes. The irrational questions come flooding in and just being plain ticked off.
But when I hold on to God and seek Him for my security the ride seems a little less bumpy.

This is my life and this is the way it is going to be until I breathe my last breath. Yes, it stinks, but I will make it through this even though I have days that I feel literally like I can not breathe.

I am in a new phase of this whole process that I was actually wondering if i would ever reach, but now that I have I am not liking it at all.
When he first died I had very little memory of the events of that day and a little bit before, like a few months. It really bothered me, I mean how could I forget my child? All I could capture in my mind were snapshots. And daily activities were fairly uneventful. But in the last few months I have started getting more "flashbacks" of the wreck and the events of the day, the funeral, and the days following. But even more, is I have these little video clips of Hunter. Like scenes from his little life playing in my mind, and they come to me at odd times. Of course not convenient for me to meltdown times.
So I have been a little stressed about going out and about because I am like a ticking time bomb of emotion just waiting to go off at any moment.
And the things that trigger my meltdowns are subtle under the radar things that you may not notice otherwise. For example, a friend may call you and have great news that they are pregnant. Yeah, you say that is so great! Congrats to you and your family. The whole time I am dying inside and more sad for myself than happy for my friend. Because I know that i will never have that again. Which brings up a whole other flood of questions like, "would I want another if I actually could?" Am I jealous? Am I just a cold hearted jerk of a friend? What the heck is my problem? etc.
And that is just one example of many that I could go on about. I mean there are certain stores that I refuse to go in because I know that the "black hole" is just waiting for me to walk through those doors so it can suck me into its grips, which I refuse to stay in.
But at the same time I need to feel. I need to cry and be sad and hurt and face some of those memories head on. I need to be able to look at his pictures without the overwhelming feeling of nausea, fear and utter sadness. But right now I cant. Which brings up a whole other set of "issues" that I don't deal with. What is so crazy about it all is I go through all of this while trying to function somewhat normally( whatever that is ) in society, work and church with a stinkin smile on my face!!!
Welcome to my roller coaster!! And I know everyone has their own ride they are on, which is equally as difficult for them as mine is for me.
But why doesn't anyone say anything? I mean really! What is the deal? We all know that people are people we all have pains and hurts that most of the people in our daily lives are completely unaware of. What is wrong with this picture? It's no wonder we are all medicated!!
So that is basically how I have been the last couple of weeks.
And my sweet child has been to the doctor or having some test for the last two weeks! Of course I told her she is my child so they will probably not figure out what is wrong! :)
So that is all I have to say about that!!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Chelsie's Baptism

My sweet little sissy bug got baptized on June 22nd! I am so proud of her, she is such an amazing child. Not because she is mine, but because of how she has shined through adversity.

She has come out of the last four years the most amazing young woman.

I knew that God had her in is hand keeping her safe and feeling loved and I am so thankful for that. Years ago when she was about two years old I started going to church thinking it was all about her, but God used that to transform our family and many other lives.

It was a beautiful day at the lake with some of our close friends and family. We all had a great time.

It has been a while

It has been a while since I have blogged. I have so much to say. Well, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotion in the last couple of months. I started seeing my grief counselor again and she has been such a huge help. And I know I have many people who love and pray for me daily.
My counselor is great, she helps me to see things that I would not see otherwise. She totally understands me and where I am in this process because she has been there too. She lost a child also so she knows how I feel.

I am going through a time where God just wants me to be still. It has been a great journey learning new characteristics about God that I knew about Him but have never personally experienced.

I have learned the Love that He has for me I can not even begin to wrap my brain around it! As I go through the grief of my little Hunter I have sought the Lord for comfort and new eyes to see me through this process. And as He, Himself says, ask and you shall receive!
He showed me how much He loves me in a new and amazing way, and that He loves my little Hunter much more than I could even imagine, which is hard for me to grasp because I cant imagine anyone loving him more than me. But He does!

My little Hunter was a special little guy, I find out a new way that he touched lives everyday. It is such a comfort to know about him from a life changed.
One of those lives I knew he had changed but I did not know to what extent. Chelsie my sweet baby girl has been changed for eternity because of him! My baby girl got baptized on June 22nd and as we went through the process of telling her testimony, she revealed something that did not know until now! My Hunter was the reason she asked Christ into her heart!
So just think about the lives that you encounter on a daily basis, are you changing their lives for the better?

Sunday, June 1, 2008

When God Speaks

Isn't it just awesome when God speaks to you through the humble servant hood of another. Well God did that for me today. He used Melvin Swafford to speak to me through the book of John.
It was one of those moments when any doubts that you ever had are tossed right out the window!
He used John 5 about the lame man at the pool of Bethesda. You are probably thinking what I was, where is going with this one? It may have never struck me like it had today if it were not for the events of the past four years of my life.
It hit home with me big time today!
Lets just look at these verses and then I will tell you what God revealed to me through them.

The Healing at the Pool John 5:1-9

1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b] 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."
8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

These are the particular verses that spoke to me verses 5-8
This guy had been an invalid for 38 years! Melvin gave us a picture of how things might have looked at the pool. There are all these people, desperate people, daily coming to this pool to be healed, starring intently into this water so when it is stirred they can be healed.
And up walks Jesus and no one really pays much attention to him because they are to busy focusing on the pool. He asks the guy, "Do you want to get well?"
So here is where it hit me! I am the guy at the pool!! I have been crippled by the events of the past four years. And I have been starring intently into this pool of yuk, and Jesus walked up to me today and said "Do you want to be healed?" well, " Get up, pick up you mat and walk"

How many of us get stuck in the "rituals" of this life, distracted by our routines and going with what is comfortable.
Jesus spoke to heart so much today I am so excited about taking my mat and walking!
So I ask you are you ready to be healed? Christ can and will heal you of whatever is in that pool of yours that you have been focused on, so listen to Him and get up and walk!

Can I get an Amen!! :)

Working through grief

Work is definitely what this whole process is like, work! Really hard work that takes a toll on your body and spirit. It's funny because I have gone back and forth between the fear of life and lack of fear. It is really strange how I can go from one extreme to another, but I feel such an urgency to live life to the fullest and at the same time I fear what is around the corner, the what's next factor.
I feel like as soon as I take a breath and say okay I can make it, something hits me in the face.
After the loss of a child or anyone for that matter you tend to search for who you really are in this crazy world, where exactly do I fit always comes to mind.
Because everything you were before is gone, the role of who you were is no longer you role.
So what do you do when the child you have left here gets older and really doesn't "need" or want to be around you much anymore? Preteens have to find out who they are too.
Which brings me to where I have been the last couple of weeks. I have come to the realization that my baby boy is not here anymore and that my baby girl is growing up and does not need mom as much, and the fact that I will not ever have anymore.
And I wonder why I am grieving! :)
I have prayed through this whole experience for God to bring me closer to Him and help to have more knowledge of Him and now I act surprised when he answers!
I get so busy looking forward and forget that I need to be looking up. He is my sustainer and will provide every thing that I need exactly when I need it.
The tears this week have come further apart and I believe it is because I looked up instead of ahead to what is right in front of me.
I just pray that this is something that continues.

Saturday, May 31, 2008


If you would like to hear the song Empty Me, click on the little baby to see the video.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Empty Me

I love to listen to music especially when I am down, God always speaks to me through it. I have been listening to a lot of music lately and I am always looking for something new to listen to, so I found this awesome song that just spoke to my heart. So instead of rambling on about poor little ole me I want to share these lyrics. I hope it blesses you like it has me.

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright To see how it gets in the blood. And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride And found a little is not quite enough. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside, Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride, And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies To know how prodigals can be drawn away. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you.
So, I surrender all! Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you. Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Understanding Grief

I am definitely learning a lot about this whole grief thing! First, no one does it the same.
I spend much of my time trying to understand why people don't understand my grief.
Well, it is because we all process it differently. Some start out in the anger phase, some in acceptance, and others in denial. We all go through the steps of grief, but the steps come at various times after a death. So why cant we allow each other to feel how we do whenever we feel like it!
Why do I expect someone to get me, when I don't even get myself?!
I mean it is really kinda silly, because I don't even know how I feel or why I feel it half the time, why should I expect some one to be sensitive to what they say or don't say to me!
My sweet husband, for example, says I just need to get over the fact that people are people and move on! Sounds easy enough. Wrong!
Well, that works for him but it does not for me. And there is nothing wrong with each of our ways of dealing. I understand that, why doesn't anyone else.
So for the last two weeks almost I have cried daily over the death of my sweet baby boy.
Added to this pain in itself I am dealing with the fact that people have moved on and I am stuck in time. It is upsetting to me that people think I should be "okay" by now. That I should "move on" and " there is nothing you can do to bring him back" or "there is nothing you can do to change it".
Well now, tell me something I don't know!!
I am painfully aware of all of these things, I know I need to accept that people are people and they will fail me. Of all people I Know!! UGGHH!!
Can I get an AMEN!!
I have been hyper sensitive the last couple of weeks and I probably should have been this way four years ago. But, God knew then that I could not process these things and function while doing what I needed for Chelsie and Donnie, and what it took to have some fight in me for Cancer!
So I am here alone with little understanding from those that deal with me on a frequent basis.
I have felt insulted by the lack of compassion from people and saddened by the utter aloneness that I feel. It is beyond what any words can possibly begin to express.
So I search for answers to what and how I can learn from these experiences and feelings.
That anyone who grieves deals with it in their own unique CORRECT way. No one can tell you how or when you should feel, because when you feel whatever it is at the time, that is the way You grieve.
The things that EVERYONE should know and live during this process is:
People will always let you down at some point and in some way. God never does.
You are not alone. God is always there even if you don't feel Him there.
There is always someone lifting you up in prayer.
Look to God to guide you through is word and the Holy Spirit.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Do not isolate! (easier said than done :) )

There is more I am sure but those are the things I try to remember each day.
When I focus on eternity God is glorified and my heart is lightened.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Still Crying

Yes, three days after the anniversary of my baby boy's death the tears are still flowing. The pain is as if I was just told he is gone. So why am I so surprised that I have not stopped?

Why would I think that I should have? It is really kinda crazy.

So did I think some how that I should be finished with the whole grief process?

Monday I stood at his grave staring at this beautiful child and lost my breath (literally) as I realized that he was mine!! And that four years ago I planned this child's funeral and designed this headstone I was starring at and I had no memory of it.

My heart literally aches to hold him and touch him. I looked at the dates on his headstone and realized that he has now been dead longer than he was alive.

The flood of tears came and have not stopped!!

God has cleared my schedule and my mind to grieve, and buddy it stinks!!

I know that I need to but I don't want to, it hurts too bad. This pain is beyond what any words can express. I don't know how to let go and cry when I feel like it, I am the queen of stuffing the tears!

These tears are way different though, theses tears are strong and can't be stuffed anywhere.

They are never ending tears that take my breath away.

how do you grieve anyway! There are no books on how to grieve that actually fit everyone who is grieving.

When will the pain stop, when will the tears stop? How do you heal the loss of a child?

A friend and I were talking about the loss of a child and how desperate you feel to breath without fearing the next breath, because you know that the next breath is going to be without your child so you don't think you can take another. And she said it is the space between the breaths that you are stuck in and that is exactly how you feel stuck in that space between breaths forever.

Part of me is gone, part of my heart is missing and I will never ever be the same.

Who am I, who will I turn into? Will this hurt ever stop?

Because, as of this week the pain has intensified times a million.

I know that God is with because He promises that He will never let me go, but right now I feel like He is being silent.

I have definitely realized that I beat myself up too much and I have to relearn all of those things that I learned as a child and accept what is and allow whatever emotion to arrive in the way God meant for it to. He never said this life was going to be easy, He just said to depend on Him and He will take care of the rest.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

When Your World Stops

Well here I am another anniversary under my belt. May 19 four years ago my baby was taken from our lives. Where do I begin with the emotions that I feel on this day? Well, let me first start by saying, this is the first year that I actually had to face my sons death. Four years ago I was lying in a hospital bed on pain meds and whatever else they could give me to stop me from crying long enough to plan a funeral. Plan a funeral. For a three year old child, who even thinks of this? Three months after Hunter died my father died. About a year later Breast Cancer!! Grieve who has time for that, I have a husband, daughter, Cancer, job!! Who has time for grieving. Well the past six months I have been doing some major grieving and honey it ain't pretty!!

For the first time I have had to look at grief with new eyes, clear eyes. The fog of meds. gone, tasks that I must do (yeah right) Cancer to fight, the dust had settled... what? Flood gates, Open Wide!!! The questions flood my thoughts, daily attacking me for answers to how and why me? Anger at those who "let me down" and ran from this "cursed" person. It is almost as if you are in this crazy dream and you have this contagious disease that no one wants to catch, so if they stay far enough away as not to catch this awful thing.

Yes, believe it or not, as much as we would like to believe we do not GROW UP from Middle School and act like ADULTS with COMMON SENSE and just a smidge of COMPASSION!!!

When someone even remotely close to us deals with a tragedy. Sad, but true.

Which brings me back to days like anniversary dates of death. These are just another day to most. And yes, it does suck every day. But, this day magnifies the fact that your world stopped on this day however many years ago, and everyone else life went on and you are watching and knowing that that will never be you again in this lifetime.

So how did I do this day? Awful. With many tears and much sadness. Thankfully God has blessed me with my beautiful daughter whom is my reason for living and breathing one more breath. And my precious husband who daily amazes me with his courage and faith.

I must say that my faith in God has strengthened and my faith in man has weakened more than I would like to admit.

I love you Bubby. My sweet baby boy.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Just When You Think Your Doing Better

Grief is funny that way, just when you think you are over the mountain you are suddenly faced with an emotion you had no idea was there. Maybe not that it was not there, but that it couldn't feel any worse. Guess what, it does! I went through April thinking I was coming out of the fog only to realize that the guy who caused us all this pain, is walking free as I write this!
And not to mention that I have to do "Mother's Day" with a smile on my face as though it is some kind of great day. Yes, it is a day where I can appreciate the most precious girl in the whole world, my little sissy bug! But Mother's Day for me is a day where not only I remember the day I lost my child, the emptiness that my soul feels without him here with me and not to mention the fact that the people who have moved on with their lives have conveniently forgotten why I may be upset on this day. Go figure!
And it only gets better! Mother's Day also marks for our family the last "holiday" we spent with Hunter. Because one week from today is the anniversary of his death. Four years, i cant believe it has been that long. It feels just like yesterday sometimes, and other times it feels like forever!
I worry about things that most of us don't think about when our child is well and alive. Like what their voice sounded like when they first started talking or what it really like to hold them close and rock them to sleep. Things like that I am losing as the years pass, I feel forgetting what he looked like when he was laughing and playing. I fear that I will forget to think about him first thing in the morning when I wake and last thing at night. What if that happens? What then? Those fears take me to his photos but I can not stay there long at all, because(as a friend said) I see myself standing on the edge of this black hole that if I stare at those photos too long or think to intently about him I will be sucked into a place that I wont come back from.
God always taps me on the shoulder and makes me look back at what I need to focus on, but it is always there everyday. They don't teach this stuff in books when you are becoming a shrink or councilor or whatever your name for it is. Grief work is completely different for everyone. It looks different, it feels different no two people grieve the same, it is completely and totally unknown except to the one who is doing grief. Its like those diets say it is not temporary it is a lifestyle change. It is true. Everything changes in that moment that your child dies.
Nothing is ever the same, you, your family, your friends, nothing is the same. You look at life with a new filter a new perspective. Things that once matter don't matter anymore. You find out who you matter to really quickly and some how you manage to make it through each day without getting to close to the edge of the black hole that is always within sight.
And on days that you think your going to fall in God is always there to pull you back. But I must say especially in the last year I feel like that passage in the Bible that talks about trials in James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I must be lacking a whole heck of a lot, cause buddy I have been tested on every angle of my life!
It gets frustrating sometimes for me, because I think that I am so selfish that I would dare want one more single solitary thing from God as if He owes me something! Thank goodness His word is here to give me a wake up call to get over myself and live for Him.
Not that it is at all easy, but it does help to soften the blow a little when I remember what He did for me, just silly ole me. Wow, how how amazing is that! Although I have days where I am screaming and throwing a tantrum that I don't want to grow up and be "mature". He gently shows me something important that He needs to refine in me and through all of that I am grateful.

Friday, May 2, 2008

It's Been a Long Time

Wow it has been a long time since I have written anything. I have been insanely busy with life! I recovered from my surgery and shingles! I have been working full time and living at the ball park with my Chelsie! Donnie and I have a small group we love that meets at our house on Sunday evenings and I have one on Wednesdays with my girls! Okay, that is two days that I would not trade for anything! On Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays we have ball! Crazy, I know, I am definitely feeling the effects!! In the last couple of weeks it has slowed down somewhat, we are only doing three days of ball instead of four!
I am enjoying watching Chelsie have fun and make new friends.
I have been spending any spare moment with God which has been so wonderful for me, I have grown so much through my time with Him. He has been answering so many prayers that I have prayed the last year.
Although I have a long long way to go, I am feeling a little better.
I have had a very difficult year, I have been very depressed and lonely and angry with God for the events of the past four years. I think it all started when I finished my final clinical trial treatment which was in Feb. '07. It was almost like I did not know what to do now that I did not have a fight or mountain to climb. I was able to take a breath and say I made it through that unscathed!
Yeah right! Think again! That was when life as I knew it crashed down around me and no one knew it until now! (if they are reading this :) ) I finally started grieving for the first time in a real way that I could not escape from with treatments and doctors appointments and homeschooling Chelsie. With her in school and becoming a little women and wanting to be her own person. I was out there to myself to think about all of the things that I had lost, and it really sucked!
I went through days where I could not think about Hunter for too long or look at his pictures because I thought I would stop breathing or start crying and not be able to stop. I have not been able to tell "my story" because it has been to hard to even think about much less speak the words out loud.
I have been blessed by God to have met some great people this year who are going through the same thing, that have shared my tears.
I m working on focusing on the Lord and eternal perspective and I can see all around me God's hand in were He wants me to be and where He wants me to go in the future.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Latest

Wow! Is all I can say about life right now. I don't know if it is wow in a good way or the dumbfounded "I can't take anymore" kinda wow. Whatever it is that is the theme of the last
month. I always like to start each year with a theme that I would like to work towards during the year and of course there is nothing funnier to God than hearing us talk about "our plans".
So I start my year out with the determination to get out of this isolation that circumstances and myself have kept me in for the last four years. Can you believe that it has been almost four years since my life changed forever.
Anyway, So I start out the year with what I think is an uneventful surgery. Out patient Reconstruction stage 2 . So surgery went well doing great recovery is a breeze until, yes you know there is always more when it comes to me and my life. Well I develop a high fever two days into recovery. Now what, surely it is not an infection, I mean I am taking antibiotics for goodness sakes! Leave it to me to have something off the wall! Well I go to the doctor and what do I have? A raging case of shingles!! Shingles! Can you believe it!! Well in the grand scheme this is walk in the park, but forget getting out of isolation with shingles!!
Of course, I think it is hilarious! I am getting all my illness' out of the way, being old is going to be a breeze!
So anyway, I am recovering from it all and back to work and loving it.
I am learning s lot about myself through these times, I just see God refining me an molding me into what He intends and sometimes that may require a little isolation.