Thursday, June 4, 2009

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Ex:14:14

Here I am again on this roller coaster of life, finding myself once again in another valley. I am two weeks out from Breast Cancer metastasis to the bone, specifically the sternum(breast bone) diagnosis. I am three years from original diagnosis, and was just getting close to not looking over my shoulder for its return.
I guess I somehow knew that this day would come deep down in my soul, but it is never the same when all the pain and fatigue is actually what you have dreaded hearing for the last three years. "I am sorry Melanie, its back."
I have to say that next to the other three words that changed my life, " Hunter is dead "
the cancer being back is the worst thing I could hear.
Somehow I knew it was back, I really believe the Lord prepares your heart for things that He knows are coming your way. As I went through these last several months of chest pain thinking in the back of my mind that this could be the cancer. I always told myself not to go there and be positive, but the pain kept on getting worse and worse I couldn't breathe, cough, laugh, sneeze, etc. without severe pain. So after many co pays, visits, and tests. I finally get an answer to what is wrong with me, Cancer in my breastbone!
I feel like I am numb at this point. I don't feel scared or worried about the cancer. I worry about those around me that have to watch what it does to you, with all the treatments and medicines that I will go through it just sucks.
So what do I do with this new card Ive been dealt? I do what God expects of me and I expect of myself, I give Him the glory that He deserves because I know no matter what this will turn out for the good. We may not see it now, but I know that He will show us in time.
So, what I ask of you now is prayer our family to sustain whatever comes our way in the new journey we have started.

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Space Between

This seems to be the story of my life and anybodies for that matter. I am in a constant state of the space in between living life fully and complete and utter despair. It is very hard sometimes. I have such a huge amount of emotions that are going on all at the same time it is sometimes hard to decide on what end of the spectrum of emotions i am on.
I have the most beautiful daughter ever, she is smart, strong and more of a women than I could ever imagine or believe. I look at her and I am filled with joy and thankfulness for the gift of her.
I have often asked myself the question "when will the day come when the first thing I think of in the morning is, whats for breakfast, and not Hunters gone." We are coming up on five years next week that he has been gone and there is not one hour of my life that goes by without thought or mention of my sweet baby boy.
So here I am in this space in between. As much as I am here the more i examine what it all means and what I should learn from it and I have come to the conclusion that this space is a space chosen for some.
God has blessed me with a view of life that all don't see, it is no better or worse than anyone else, it is just my life.
But I am learning to see people and life in such a new way. I have come to a place of contentment that even I don't understand fully. I feel peace about it all.
God has has given me the ability to forgive the person who hit us that day, and even to pray for him and his life.
I am healing and I am okay with letting go of all the negative feelings that I had surrounding the events of the past five years.
I think the craziest part of the "in between" is that we all put pressure on ourselves to have a name to describe "where we are" at any given time. And what I am discovering through my journey is who cares what name it has, it is just where I am right now and it is okay.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Another Year Gone By

It is hard to believe another year has come and gone since my little Hunter died. People ask if it gets easier with time, and my answer has always been the same until this year.I have always said no it does not get easier with time. The pain that we feel for our loss will always be as sad and intense as the day he died.

I can say that until this year my goal in life was to make sure that everyone knew that my baby lived and was tradgically taken from this
earth. This year my grief has taken on a different phase I guess you could call it. I no longer have a desire to make sure everyone knows and remembers Hunter.
All that matters to me is that I was blessed with this beautiful life and had a love for him that no words can describe. I don't care if you remember his birthday or the day he died. There will come a time when I am the only one who remembers and that is okay.
I have learned so much through this experience and through having cancer. We all have things in life that we deal with and I can not go through this life expecting what I also can not provide for others.
It takes entirely too much energy to worry about what others are or are not doing for me, besides, how stinkin selfish is that!
Although I must say there are times when I think a sensetivity filter should be in place. But those times are very few and far between.
So this week I celebrated by baby boy Hunters 8th birthday.
I went to work just like I did on Chelsie bugs birthday. I did really well, in part I think because of the sweet little kids I get to see and love on everyday. I think people expected me to be a mess, but I prayed and prayed about it and why would I be upset on one of the greatest days of my life? I gave birth to my sweet baby boy on Feb. 16th why should I be sad. So I just focused on what a great day that it was and still is to our family.
I will always love him and miss him until the day I die.

I want to take this time to thank everyone who has put up with my crazy ways. And for all the love and prayers for our family.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Life has been Crazy!!!!

Wow. It has been along time since I have blogged, so get ready for a long read! Where do I begin?
Well, the last day that I posted was October, 22 two days before my life got crazy!!
My Chelsie bug became a teenager on October the 24th and my life has been turned upside down.
You can't be prepared for the teenage girl it is a daily emotional, hormonal, boy crazed, giggling, goofy, parents are so not cool, filled life!!!!!!!! And what makes it so crazy is the fact that you may experience all of the above behavior/emotions in a 10 minute window of time!
So my sweet little sissy springs her "boyfriend" on me the week of her birthday.
Boyfriend!!! What!!! Okay, take a deep breath. You can handle this, I mean think of all you have been through, this will be a walk in the park compared. Right?
This is what I thought..
I think that Icried daily for at least a month!
So that is where I have been the last few months.
Dealing with the teenage drama.
I made it through the holidays remarkably well. This was the first Christmas since Hunter died that I felt no stress.
Yes, I missed my sweet baby boy, desperately. I went into it with zero expectations of how I should feel or how others react to me. I did not expect anyone to remember that I may be in a funk or anything else for that matter. It was very freeing.
I went to counseling and was asked where I am in regard to the "Black Hole".
I have learned that the black hole is not so dark if you hang out with it and figure out exactly what it is all about. So instead of running from it, I invited it to pull up a chair and hang out!! :)

I have spent a huge amount of time with the Lord, much of it requesting help with this new season of motherhood I have entered into, and He has led myself and Donnie to make some really tough decisions concerning our family.
It is like a whole new and different time of persecution and trial for us as parents.
When your children are younger the decisions you make are pretty much black and white clear cut decisions.
When they get older it gets very complicated and involved and just down right hard!!!
Do you ever feel like you are being opposed on every front even when you know with all your heart and soul that you are making the right choice for yourself and your family, but no one seems to understand?
It is so hard, because the ones that are not understanding why it is you are doing what you are doing, and questioning the whole process are people that you love very much and value their thoughts and opinions. It is so hard. And very lonely sometimes.
Donnie and I pray a lot for God to guide us as we parent Chelsie and make decisions for our family.
I probably need to change my blog name to Riding the Teen Crazy Train!!
I am always open for any ideas and advice on how to handle this process.
I have gotten a few good suggestions, my favorite so far has been (one that I also thought to myself) that I need to get a life!!!! That sounds a little harsh, but I did not think so, maybe I need to get a hobby.
If you're a mom (especially of little ones) you are thinking , hobby? What is that??
Oh, yeah, I think my husband has a few of those!!!! (Tee Hee)
Soooo, if you leave a comment throw out a hobby that I may be able to immerse myself in while Chelsie is over at a friends house, at a dance, watching her "boyfriend" play basketball, etc.....
Yes, I did say boyfriend again. Yes it is the same one that she sprang on me the week of her b-day. It is really a record for thirteen year old to be "going out" ( this what they call it these days,where are you going at 13????) for three whole months without at least ten or so break-ups.
He is precious! I just love him, he is a great kid and great with my sissy bug!!
Well, I think I have brought you up to speed, the Readers Digest version of course.
I will be back on much sooner than before, so don't give up on me yet!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

God Moments

For those of you who are reading this and do not know me. I have what I call "God Moments" very frequently in my life especially since my little Hunter died. People have told me for the past four years you must write down these times that God says hang on, I am still here with you and everything is going to be alright.

So I thought what the heck, I will start blogging them! They are not going to be in any order because they just come back to be every now and then and of course the are still happening at least every other week or so.

Here is the most recent.

My precious husband sometimes has the opportunity to tell his story to people that he works for and it usually is very impactful on everyone involved. He is a contractor so God gives him many opportunities to share about his faith through our little Hunter.

One day a couple of weeks ago my husband came home from work and was a little sad, I asked what was wrong and he begins to tell the story of his day and how God had given him an opportunity to share his story with a new client. He tells me what was said and how he explained to this man that hunter was 3 years 3 months and 3 days old when he died and how this man was impacted.

Then he says where is your Bible because this man came to me later and said that the Lord had laid it upon his heart to tell him to go to Jeremiah 33:3 and read it.

When my husband said this I started crying immediately. I was recovering from pneumonia and the flu and had been out of work for almost two weeks and had taken this opportunity to catch up on journaling and spending time with the Lord.

Well, the Lord had laid it upon my heart to write a scripture passage every day that I journal.

Guess what verse it was!!!!!!!!!!! Jeremiah 33:3!!!!

How awesome is that!!! For two weeks before my husband even knew this man who told him about this verse, who himself did not know what this verse said, I had been writing it faithfully in my journal.

Well here it is i pray that it impacts your heart as it has mine for more reasons than one.

" You will call to me and I will answer, I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know. "

Jeremiah 33:3

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What next?

Do you ever have those moments when your just kind of floating in between where you are and where it is you would like to be? I feel like I am in limbo of where I am and where God is directing me in life. It is very weird. I feel like I am at a place where I don't really feel great but I don't feel really awful either.
I have been doing much grief work for the last four years especially this year. I have experienced many losses that have really hurt me. And I know that it is all part of the plan God has for my life, but it does not make it any easier.
So I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord and praying more than I have probably prayed in my life. I have really been able to work through so much and have a clearer understanding of myself and others.
I am learning that people hurt each other, sometimes intentionally and most of the time unintentionally. What I am learning is that I am not responsible for anyone else's actions but my own, and beyond that I have no control.
I have really had a difficult time understanding, accepting and working through the losses that I have been through.
I think the weirdness that I have been experiencing is really not limbo it is peace! Peace is something that I think I have really never ever had in my life so I think identifying it is difficult.
Life has been just as crazy and busy as usual between work, church and Chelsie's extracurricular activities which I do five days a week!! But with all of that, peace is what I think I am feeling.
Speaking of my little sissy bug, she is just a few short days from being a teenager !!!
Yikes! This is a whole new world! If there is any time to have a good prayer life , this is definitely it!! She is the most amazing young lady ever, and I am not saying that because she is mine. But she is great fun and happy! I am so very blessed to call her my daughter!
This journey to be continued.....

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Black Hole

Wow! What a week I have had in regard to the Black Hole! I have been going to counseling and this last week I had a little homework to do about the Black Hole. Well, I avoided it to the bitter end! I completed the task, though not easy.
After it was finished, I thought that I would "feel" something. I did not have a whole lot of emotion about it at all. Which, of coarse, got me thinking. Why?
Well, I had a revelation! I live in the Black Whole! What I refer to as the Black Hole is not something following me around that I am trying to avoid. It is My life!
My life is the the Black Hole! I have been in a state of darkness for some time now, and what I am avoiding and running from is the love, comfort and happiness that God has for me outside of this black whole comfort I have been in basically all my life!
So, my new task is to get out of the Black Hole that I have been living in for so long and see the riches that the Lord has in store for me!
To Be Continued......