Monday, August 25, 2008

Facing The Black Hole

I have been so busy lately, well always for that matter running from my Black Hole! Someone dear to me described the grief she felt after the loss of her baby as The Black Hole and I adopted that name as my own, because that is totally what it feels like. You know it's there and you know if you get to close or go in, that it may be that you will not return!!
Okay now that I have explained what it is, let me tell you that this hole is a lifetime of hurt, regret, extreme sorrow, and feelings that I have no words for and can't even fathom the emotion that they will evoke in me.
With that said, I have to face it, confront it, feel it, and get through it. And let me tell you it is terrifying! I have been in a very reflective mode lately and feel stuck in time unable to move forward until I face the dreaded Black Hole.
I have been going to grief counseling and this is my homework for this week. I know that this will be good for me and God has been moving me towards this for a very long time. And I have been running for a very long time!
I feel like I am a pretty real person most of the time, but there definitely is a part of myself that I keep protected and guarded. The part that God wants most for me to share and that is my whole heart.
Man that is hard for me because, I have been hurt, many times by those that I have given my whole heart to and that is why I have built a fortress around it.
I know that this will be the best thing for me and my family.
Please be in prayer for me on this adventure!


Tennessee Mama Duck said...

I am praying for you through this. I am having to face some issues myself right now and know that it is NOT FUN! I can't imagine facing yours. I love you, my friend.

Pam said...

Still praying for you daily, dear friend.