When Your World Stops

Well here I am another anniversary under my belt. May 19 four years ago my baby was taken from our lives. Where do I begin with the emotions that I feel on this day? Well, let me first start by saying, this is the first year that I actually had to face my sons death. Four years ago I was lying in a hospital bed on pain meds and whatever else they could give me to stop me from crying long enough to plan a funeral. Plan a funeral. For a three year old child, who even thinks of this? Three months after Hunter died my father died. About a year later Breast Cancer!! Grieve who has time for that, I have a husband, daughter, Cancer, job!! Who has time for grieving. Well the past six months I have been doing some major grieving and honey it ain't pretty!!

For the first time I have had to look at grief with new eyes, clear eyes. The fog of meds. gone, tasks that I must do (yeah right) Cancer to fight, the dust had settled...


...now what? Flood gates, Open Wide!!! The questions flood my thoughts, daily attacking me for answers to how and why me? Anger at those who "let me down" and ran from this "cursed" person. It is almost as if you are in this crazy dream and you have this contagious disease that no one wants to catch, so if they stay far enough away as not to catch this awful thing.

Yes, believe it or not, as much as we would like to believe we do not GROW UP from Middle School and act like ADULTS with COMMON SENSE and just a smidge of COMPASSION!!!


When someone even remotely close to us deals with a tragedy. Sad, but true.


Which brings me back to days like anniversary dates of death. These are just another day to most. And yes, it does suck every day. But, this day magnifies the fact that your world stopped on this day however many years ago, and everyone else life went on and you are watching and knowing that that will never be you again in this lifetime.

So how did I do this day? Awful. With many tears and much sadness. Thankfully God has blessed me with my beautiful daughter whom is my reason for living and breathing one more breath. And my precious husband who daily amazes me with his courage and faith.

I must say that my faith in God has strengthened and my faith in man has weakened more than I would like to admit.

I love you Bubby. My sweet baby boy.

Just When You Think Your Doing Better

Grief is funny that way, just when you think you are over the mountain you are suddenly faced with an emotion you had no idea was there. Maybe not that it was not there, but that it couldn't feel any worse. Guess what, it does! I went through April thinking I was coming out of the fog only to realize that the guy who caused us all this pain, is walking free as I write this!
And not to mention that I have to do "Mother's Day" with a smile on my face as though it is some kind of great day. Yes, it is a day where I can appreciate the most precious girl in the whole world, my little sissy bug! But Mother's Day for me is a day where not only I remember the day I lost my child, the emptiness that my soul feels without him here with me and not to mention the fact that the people who have moved on with their lives have conveniently forgotten why I may be upset on this day. Go figure!
And it only gets better! Mother's Day also marks for our family the last "holiday" we spent with Hunter. Because one week from today is the anniversary of his death. Four years, i cant believe it has been that long. It feels just like yesterday sometimes, and other times it feels like forever!
I worry about things that most of us don't think about when our child is well and alive. Like what their voice sounded like when they first started talking or what it really like to hold them close and rock them to sleep. Things like that I am losing as the years pass, I feel forgetting what he looked like when he was laughing and playing. I fear that I will forget to think about him first thing in the morning when I wake and last thing at night. What if that happens? What then? Those fears take me to his photos but I can not stay there long at all, because(as a friend said) I see myself standing on the edge of this black hole that if I stare at those photos too long or think to intently about him I will be sucked into a place that I wont come back from.
God always taps me on the shoulder and makes me look back at what I need to focus on, but it is always there everyday. They don't teach this stuff in books when you are becoming a shrink or councilor or whatever your name for it is. Grief work is completely different for everyone. It looks different, it feels different no two people grieve the same, it is completely and totally unknown except to the one who is doing grief. Its like those diets say it is not temporary it is a lifestyle change. It is true. Everything changes in that moment that your child dies.
Nothing is ever the same, you, your family, your friends, nothing is the same. You look at life with a new filter a new perspective. Things that once matter don't matter anymore. You find out who you matter to really quickly and some how you manage to make it through each day without getting to close to the edge of the black hole that is always within sight.
And on days that you think your going to fall in God is always there to pull you back. But I must say especially in the last year I feel like that passage in the Bible that talks about trials in James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I must be lacking a whole heck of a lot, cause buddy I have been tested on every angle of my life!
It gets frustrating sometimes for me, because I think that I am so selfish that I would dare want one more single solitary thing from God as if He owes me something! Thank goodness His word is here to give me a wake up call to get over myself and live for Him.
Not that it is at all easy, but it does help to soften the blow a little when I remember what He did for me, just silly ole me. Wow, how how amazing is that! Although I have days where I am screaming and throwing a tantrum that I don't want to grow up and be "mature". He gently shows me something important that He needs to refine in me and through all of that I am grateful.

It's Been a Long Time

Wow it has been a long time since I have written anything. I have been insanely busy with life! I recovered from my surgery and shingles! I have been working full time and living at the ball park with my Chelsie! Donnie and I have a small group we love that meets at our house on Sunday evenings and I have one on Wednesdays with my girls! Okay, that is two days that I would not trade for anything! On Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays we have ball! Crazy, I know, I am definitely feeling the effects!! In the last couple of weeks it has slowed down somewhat, we are only doing three days of ball instead of four!
I am enjoying watching Chelsie have fun and make new friends.
I have been spending any spare moment with God which has been so wonderful for me, I have grown so much through my time with Him. He has been answering so many prayers that I have prayed the last year.
Although I have a long long way to go, I am feeling a little better.
I have had a very difficult year, I have been very depressed and lonely and angry with God for the events of the past four years. I think it all started when I finished my final clinical trial treatment which was in Feb. '07. It was almost like I did not know what to do now that I did not have a fight or mountain to climb. I was able to take a breath and say I made it through that unscathed!
Yeah right! Think again! That was when life as I knew it crashed down around me and no one knew it until now! (if they are reading this :) ) I finally started grieving for the first time in a real way that I could not escape from with treatments and doctors appointments and homeschooling Chelsie. With her in school and becoming a little women and wanting to be her own person. I was out there to myself to think about all of the things that I had lost, and it really sucked!
I went through days where I could not think about Hunter for too long or look at his pictures because I thought I would stop breathing or start crying and not be able to stop. I have not been able to tell "my story" because it has been to hard to even think about much less speak the words out loud.
I have been blessed by God to have met some great people this year who are going through the same thing, that have shared my tears.
I m working on focusing on the Lord and eternal perspective and I can see all around me God's hand in were He wants me to be and where He wants me to go in the future.

The Latest

Wow! Is all I can say about life right now. I don't know if it is wow in a good way or the dumbfounded "I can't take anymore" kinda wow. Whatever it is that is the theme of the last
month. I always like to start each year with a theme that I would like to work towards during the year and of course there is nothing funnier to God than hearing us talk about "our plans".
So I start my year out with the determination to get out of this isolation that circumstances and myself have kept me in for the last four years. Can you believe that it has been almost four years since my life changed forever.
Anyway, So I start out the year with what I think is an uneventful surgery. Out patient Reconstruction stage 2 . So surgery went well doing great recovery is a breeze until, yes you know there is always more when it comes to me and my life. Well I develop a high fever two days into recovery. Now what, surely it is not an infection, I mean I am taking antibiotics for goodness sakes! Leave it to me to have something off the wall! Well I go to the doctor and what do I have? A raging case of shingles!! Shingles! Can you believe it!! Well in the grand scheme this is walk in the park, but forget getting out of isolation with shingles!!
Of course, I think it is hilarious! I am getting all my illness' out of the way, being old is going to be a breeze!
So anyway, I am recovering from it all and back to work and loving it.
I am learning s lot about myself through these times, I just see God refining me an molding me into what He intends and sometimes that may require a little isolation.

Revelation

I had one of those wonderful epiphany moments that I love today! I wrote yesterday about contentment and how I am not and I wish to be content.Well, I have prayed for God to teach me and show me how and show me the formula for success in the contentment category of my life.
Well, all I can say is, ask and you shall receive!
I have the privilege of being part of an awesome ministry that has touch my life in ways that words cannot even begin to express. I was with some of the most precious women in this ministry tonight talking about life's trials and triumphs and it hit me like a bolt of lightening!
In my pursuit for contentment God showed me tonight that I have it!
Contentment isn't this awesome high of being "always filled to the brim with love, joy peace, patience, etc.." It is all of those things but it is all of those things in spite of the aching in your heart because of a lost loved one, a serious illness, divorce or whatever it may be in your life.
I believe Christ had contentment in the garden of Gethsemane, but He also struggled with cruel ways of this fallen world that He so graciously saved us from.
What God showed me tonight as I sat with these wonderful ladies, that yes life is not easy this time of year and it hurts to be without those that you love so dearly. But, the contentment comes when you realize it is not some mushy gushy feeling that you are going to have all of the time just because you are a Christian.
I looked it up in Eastman's Dictionary and here is what I found, "a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be"
I have accepted that my circumstances are what they are, my child is not here with me now, my health could be a lot better. What I do have is a God who loves me and sent His Son to save me and that was not enough. He loves me so much that He has placed the most precious people in my life to love and support me when I have rough days. So contentment is not the warm and fuzzies all the time and I will be okay the rest of my life without my boy, and my health isn't the greatest and I may not grow old. But I do have peace that my baby is in a place I too will be in someday whenever that may be.
It is the tears shared amongst friends, the laughter and joy in others triumphs! It is the smile and kind word of someone whose life you touched and did not even know it, and the prayers of people that you wont see until you meet in Heaven. That is contentment!
So I say,"Thank you God for answered prayer and your unfailing Love and mercy on me.

Contentment

This is a very hard time of year for me. It is not a good time of year for many people. For those of you that don't seriously struggle through this time of year please remember those of us who want to go to sleep and wake up when it is over.
I sometimes come off as though I am content with life and all is good, but the truth is that I am lacking contentment right now. I have this void in my life that can only be filled by God and I don't know how to get there. I feel so far from Him during these times of sadness and grief. I just want to have my baby boy here with me.
Sometimes I ask God when is the pain going to stop and how do I make it through these times. I live in fear a lot of the time, fear of what is next. Who is going to die when is the Cancer coming back. I long for contentment in life, being okay with where I am right now and not worry or dwell on the past.
Someday. I will.

Grace

How many of us are walking around feeling wounded and alone and feeling there is not one person who could ever begin to understand what you are going through? God has given me such an awesome perspective on my life and the lives of others the past few years.
My life and just about every one's life has been full of trials and triumphs. What I have found in this journey through life is that each thing you go through prepares you for the next step in life.
I know that is always the thing you hear when you are in the midst of pain, but it is true.
We have the tendency to forget this when the trial is over and just move on as if nothing happens. We don't take these moments and learn from them.
I have been able to embrace this concept more in the last few years with the help of God of course.
When I lost Hunter, I thought the world should end, because mine did. I thought there is nothing teachable about this and there is nothing I want to learn. But by God's grace and buddy do I believe in His grace, because I was angry at the world and Him! He has taught me more than I could have ever imagined.
It took me until very recently that I have really been able to come out of the fog long enough to realize that we are all walking wounded in need of something more than this world can offer.
I don't know without a doubt why my baby boy was taken at such a young age, but I do know that our family is closer to each other and to God through it, and I do know that when our purpose is fulfilled on this earth we are taken home not one second early or late.
I believe when I got the Cancer diagnosis and started going through the process God showed me that we all have hurts and pain that we carry and that it is not all about me.
He opened my eyes to a world of hurting people, and I actually understood them because I have experienced most of these things.
I have been sexually abused, physically abused, emotionally abused, been through divorce of my parents, had a close friend die, diagnosed with Crohn's disease, part of a marriage filled with loneliness, loss of a child, loss of a parent and Breast Cancer. I think maybe I can relate to a few people.
But the funny thing is that not one of these things alone showed me what I really needed to see and know about others it was a combination of all of these things.
He has recently lifted the fog a little more and I am able to have joy again, true joy that is real and is only from Him.
My hope is that some how God's love will shine through me and I will be an encouragement.