Tuesday, May 20, 2008

When Your World Stops

Well here I am another anniversary under my belt. May 19 four years ago my baby was taken from our lives. Where do I begin with the emotions that I feel on this day? Well, let me first start by saying, this is the first year that I actually had to face my sons death. Four years ago I was lying in a hospital bed on pain meds and whatever else they could give me to stop me from crying long enough to plan a funeral. Plan a funeral. For a three year old child, who even thinks of this? Three months after Hunter died my father died. About a year later Breast Cancer!! Grieve who has time for that, I have a husband, daughter, Cancer, job!! Who has time for grieving. Well the past six months I have been doing some major grieving and honey it ain't pretty!!

For the first time I have had to look at grief with new eyes, clear eyes. The fog of meds. gone, tasks that I must do (yeah right) Cancer to fight, the dust had settled...

...now what? Flood gates, Open Wide!!! The questions flood my thoughts, daily attacking me for answers to how and why me? Anger at those who "let me down" and ran from this "cursed" person. It is almost as if you are in this crazy dream and you have this contagious disease that no one wants to catch, so if they stay far enough away as not to catch this awful thing.

Yes, believe it or not, as much as we would like to believe we do not GROW UP from Middle School and act like ADULTS with COMMON SENSE and just a smidge of COMPASSION!!!

When someone even remotely close to us deals with a tragedy. Sad, but true.

Which brings me back to days like anniversary dates of death. These are just another day to most. And yes, it does suck every day. But, this day magnifies the fact that your world stopped on this day however many years ago, and everyone else life went on and you are watching and knowing that that will never be you again in this lifetime.

So how did I do this day? Awful. With many tears and much sadness. Thankfully God has blessed me with my beautiful daughter whom is my reason for living and breathing one more breath. And my precious husband who daily amazes me with his courage and faith.

I must say that my faith in God has strengthened and my faith in man has weakened more than I would like to admit.

I love you Bubby. My sweet baby boy.


Katrina said...

When I have been in distress, I put on the song, "Calling All Angels" and just sob. Cry for the disappointment and loss, cry for the injustice, and cry that it can't be over soon enough.

I'm so sorry darling, that it is the darkness before the dawn. People probably distance themselves because they simply don't know what to say. They can't relate, and it is their worst fear realized.

But you are still human, and need loves and hugs, and a way to cope. You are so loved, and there are more people praying for your comfort than you realize. I hope you can find this song (I first heard it while watching "Pay It Forward), to have an outlet to cry, and the courage to go on.

" . . . then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road
how much weight? how much weight?
then it's how long? and how far?
and how many times before it's too late?

Calling all angels
Calling all angels
walk me through this one,
don't leave me alone
calling all angels
calling all angels
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'
and we're not sure why... "

Anonymous said...

Hello, You don't know me but while reading Katrina's blog and her desire to help bear you up, I thought I would just send you a note. I pray that someday God will heal your broken heart. It will probably always hurt but hopefully not ache. I found the shower is a great place to cry. Never think you have cried enough. It's ok to cry. I just wanted to tell you that. I read something a long time ago that I would like to share. "I believe that friends are quiet angels who sit on our shoulders and lift our wings when we forget how to fly." Please know you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.