God Moments

For those of you who are reading this and do not know me. I have what I call "God Moments" very frequently in my life especially since my little Hunter died. People have told me for the past four years you must write down these times that God says hang on, I am still here with you and everything is going to be alright.

So I thought what the heck, I will start blogging them! They are not going to be in any order because they just come back to be every now and then and of course the are still happening at least every other week or so.

Here is the most recent.

My precious husband sometimes has the opportunity to tell his story to people that he works for and it usually is very impactful on everyone involved. He is a contractor so God gives him many opportunities to share about his faith through our little Hunter.

One day a couple of weeks ago my husband came home from work and was a little sad, I asked what was wrong and he begins to tell the story of his day and how God had given him an opportunity to share his story with a new client. He tells me what was said and how he explained to this man that hunter was 3 years 3 months and 3 days old when he died and how this man was impacted.

Then he says where is your Bible because this man came to me later and said that the Lord had laid it upon his heart to tell him to go to Jeremiah 33:3 and read it.

When my husband said this I started crying immediately. I was recovering from pneumonia and the flu and had been out of work for almost two weeks and had taken this opportunity to catch up on journaling and spending time with the Lord.

Well, the Lord had laid it upon my heart to write a scripture passage every day that I journal.

Guess what verse it was!!!!!!!!!!! Jeremiah 33:3!!!!

How awesome is that!!! For two weeks before my husband even knew this man who told him about this verse, who himself did not know what this verse said, I had been writing it faithfully in my journal.

Well here it is i pray that it impacts your heart as it has mine for more reasons than one.

" You will call to me and I will answer, I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know. "

Jeremiah 33:3

What next?

Do you ever have those moments when your just kind of floating in between where you are and where it is you would like to be? I feel like I am in limbo of where I am and where God is directing me in life. It is very weird. I feel like I am at a place where I don't really feel great but I don't feel really awful either.
I have been doing much grief work for the last four years especially this year. I have experienced many losses that have really hurt me. And I know that it is all part of the plan God has for my life, but it does not make it any easier.
So I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord and praying more than I have probably prayed in my life. I have really been able to work through so much and have a clearer understanding of myself and others.
I am learning that people hurt each other, sometimes intentionally and most of the time unintentionally. What I am learning is that I am not responsible for anyone else's actions but my own, and beyond that I have no control.
I have really had a difficult time understanding, accepting and working through the losses that I have been through.
I think the weirdness that I have been experiencing is really not limbo it is peace! Peace is something that I think I have really never ever had in my life so I think identifying it is difficult.
Life has been just as crazy and busy as usual between work, church and Chelsie's extracurricular activities which I do five days a week!! But with all of that, peace is what I think I am feeling.
Speaking of my little sissy bug, she is just a few short days from being a teenager !!!
Yikes! This is a whole new world! If there is any time to have a good prayer life , this is definitely it!! She is the most amazing young lady ever, and I am not saying that because she is mine. But she is great fun and happy! I am so very blessed to call her my daughter!
This journey to be continued.....

Black Hole

Wow! What a week I have had in regard to the Black Hole! I have been going to counseling and this last week I had a little homework to do about the Black Hole. Well, I avoided it to the bitter end! I completed the task, though not easy.
After it was finished, I thought that I would "feel" something. I did not have a whole lot of emotion about it at all. Which, of coarse, got me thinking. Why?
Well, I had a revelation! I live in the Black Whole! What I refer to as the Black Hole is not something following me around that I am trying to avoid. It is My life!
My life is the the Black Hole! I have been in a state of darkness for some time now, and what I am avoiding and running from is the love, comfort and happiness that God has for me outside of this black whole comfort I have been in basically all my life!
So, my new task is to get out of the Black Hole that I have been living in for so long and see the riches that the Lord has in store for me!
To Be Continued......

Facing The Black Hole

I have been so busy lately, well always for that matter running from my Black Hole! Someone dear to me described the grief she felt after the loss of her baby as The Black Hole and I adopted that name as my own, because that is totally what it feels like. You know it's there and you know if you get to close or go in, that it may be that you will not return!!
Okay now that I have explained what it is, let me tell you that this hole is a lifetime of hurt, regret, extreme sorrow, and feelings that I have no words for and can't even fathom the emotion that they will evoke in me.
With that said, I have to face it, confront it, feel it, and get through it. And let me tell you it is terrifying! I have been in a very reflective mode lately and feel stuck in time unable to move forward until I face the dreaded Black Hole.
I have been going to grief counseling and this is my homework for this week. I know that this will be good for me and God has been moving me towards this for a very long time. And I have been running for a very long time!
I feel like I am a pretty real person most of the time, but there definitely is a part of myself that I keep protected and guarded. The part that God wants most for me to share and that is my whole heart.
Man that is hard for me because, I have been hurt, many times by those that I have given my whole heart to and that is why I have built a fortress around it.
I know that this will be the best thing for me and my family.
Please be in prayer for me on this adventure!

On This Ride Together!

Well, I spent yesterday crying again just aching to hold my baby boy one more time. I would give anything to feel him twirling my hair again.
Those things make me sad but something that hurts me more is to see my Chelsie grieve. This week has been especially difficult for her, I do not know exactly what triggers her moments.
She has been so lonely. We were talking the other day and she told me that she is tired of being lonely. I know that it must be so difficult for her to deal with life without her little brother. My heart just breaks for her. I don't have the words to tell her to make it better and it kills me to see her in pain.
She is such an amazing child. I cant imagine going through all of the thing she has in her short life.
There are so many aspects of this process that are so complex.I just don't know how people do this without Christ. I really don't know what I would do if did not have Him.
Yes, i am sad, and having to "do" all of this really stinks. But, God has blessed me with such an amazing group of friends and support.
I have much to be thankful for and each day the Lord gives me something more to be thankful for.
At the same time I have to feel the pain and face this process with God as my guide, and He has not promised that this will be easy, but He has promised that He will be here with me every step.

Here I go Again!

As you know I have been on this roller coaster ride called "Grief" and it is a crazy ride.
Just when you think the ride is just about to slow down just a little bit, suddenly you get
jerked around a curve and start plunging down the hill of despair! Of course this hill leads
right into the "black hole" that I think sometimes I will not escape its grips. And then suddenly I am released only for a brief moment to catch my breath.

I have times where I think okay I can do this I can face it, deal with it, and move forward. And in case you did not notice the last statement was all about how "I" can do all these things. I am learning, like being on a roller coaster we hold on to the bar knowing that is our security and that we feel safe as long as we don't let go. But then we get "brave" or whatever and raise our hands a little to enjoy the ride, which is when we go slinging and sliding allover the place and get sore allover just because we didn't hold on!

Well I am learning with this ride of "Grief" that I have been on that as soon as I let go, that is when all the yuk comes. The irrational questions come flooding in and just being plain ticked off.
But when I hold on to God and seek Him for my security the ride seems a little less bumpy.

This is my life and this is the way it is going to be until I breathe my last breath. Yes, it stinks, but I will make it through this even though I have days that I feel literally like I can not breathe.

I am in a new phase of this whole process that I was actually wondering if i would ever reach, but now that I have I am not liking it at all.
When he first died I had very little memory of the events of that day and a little bit before, like a few months. It really bothered me, I mean how could I forget my child? All I could capture in my mind were snapshots. And daily activities were fairly uneventful. But in the last few months I have started getting more "flashbacks" of the wreck and the events of the day, the funeral, and the days following. But even more, is I have these little video clips of Hunter. Like scenes from his little life playing in my mind, and they come to me at odd times. Of course not convenient for me to meltdown times.
So I have been a little stressed about going out and about because I am like a ticking time bomb of emotion just waiting to go off at any moment.
And the things that trigger my meltdowns are subtle under the radar things that you may not notice otherwise. For example, a friend may call you and have great news that they are pregnant. Yeah, you say that is so great! Congrats to you and your family. The whole time I am dying inside and more sad for myself than happy for my friend. Because I know that i will never have that again. Which brings up a whole other flood of questions like, "would I want another if I actually could?" Am I jealous? Am I just a cold hearted jerk of a friend? What the heck is my problem? etc.
And that is just one example of many that I could go on about. I mean there are certain stores that I refuse to go in because I know that the "black hole" is just waiting for me to walk through those doors so it can suck me into its grips, which I refuse to stay in.
But at the same time I need to feel. I need to cry and be sad and hurt and face some of those memories head on. I need to be able to look at his pictures without the overwhelming feeling of nausea, fear and utter sadness. But right now I cant. Which brings up a whole other set of "issues" that I don't deal with. What is so crazy about it all is I go through all of this while trying to function somewhat normally( whatever that is ) in society, work and church with a stinkin smile on my face!!!
Welcome to my roller coaster!! And I know everyone has their own ride they are on, which is equally as difficult for them as mine is for me.
But why doesn't anyone say anything? I mean really! What is the deal? We all know that people are people we all have pains and hurts that most of the people in our daily lives are completely unaware of. What is wrong with this picture? It's no wonder we are all medicated!!
So that is basically how I have been the last couple of weeks.
And my sweet child has been to the doctor or having some test for the last two weeks! Of course I told her she is my child so they will probably not figure out what is wrong! :)
So that is all I have to say about that!!

Chelsie's Baptism

My sweet little sissy bug got baptized on June 22nd! I am so proud of her, she is such an amazing child. Not because she is mine, but because of how she has shined through adversity.

She has come out of the last four years the most amazing young woman.

I knew that God had her in is hand keeping her safe and feeling loved and I am so thankful for that. Years ago when she was about two years old I started going to church thinking it was all about her, but God used that to transform our family and many other lives.

It was a beautiful day at the lake with some of our close friends and family. We all had a great time.