It has been a while since I have blogged. I have so much to say. Well, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotion in the last couple of months. I started seeing my grief counselor again and she has been such a huge help. And I know I have many people who love and pray for me daily.
My counselor is great, she helps me to see things that I would not see otherwise. She totally understands me and where I am in this process because she has been there too. She lost a child also so she knows how I feel.
I am going through a time where God just wants me to be still. It has been a great journey learning new characteristics about God that I knew about Him but have never personally experienced.
I have learned the Love that He has for me I can not even begin to wrap my brain around it! As I go through the grief of my little Hunter I have sought the Lord for comfort and new eyes to see me through this process. And as He, Himself says, ask and you shall receive!
He showed me how much He loves me in a new and amazing way, and that He loves my little Hunter much more than I could even imagine, which is hard for me to grasp because I cant imagine anyone loving him more than me. But He does!
My little Hunter was a special little guy, I find out a new way that he touched lives everyday. It is such a comfort to know about him from a life changed.
One of those lives I knew he had changed but I did not know to what extent. Chelsie my sweet baby girl has been changed for eternity because of him! My baby girl got baptized on June 22nd and as we went through the process of telling her testimony, she revealed something that did not know until now! My Hunter was the reason she asked Christ into her heart!
So just think about the lives that you encounter on a daily basis, are you changing their lives for the better?
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
When God Speaks
Isn't it just awesome when God speaks to you through the humble servant hood of another. Well God did that for me today. He used Melvin Swafford to speak to me through the book of John.
It was one of those moments when any doubts that you ever had are tossed right out the window!
He used John 5 about the lame man at the pool of Bethesda. You are probably thinking what I was, where is going with this one? It may have never struck me like it had today if it were not for the events of the past four years of my life.
It hit home with me big time today!
Lets just look at these verses and then I will tell you what God revealed to me through them.
The Healing at the Pool John 5:1-9
1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b] 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."
8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
These are the particular verses that spoke to me verses 5-8
This guy had been an invalid for 38 years! Melvin gave us a picture of how things might have looked at the pool. There are all these people, desperate people, daily coming to this pool to be healed, starring intently into this water so when it is stirred they can be healed.
And up walks Jesus and no one really pays much attention to him because they are to busy focusing on the pool. He asks the guy, "Do you want to get well?"
So here is where it hit me! I am the guy at the pool!! I have been crippled by the events of the past four years. And I have been starring intently into this pool of yuk, and Jesus walked up to me today and said "Do you want to be healed?" well, " Get up, pick up you mat and walk"
How many of us get stuck in the "rituals" of this life, distracted by our routines and going with what is comfortable.
Jesus spoke to heart so much today I am so excited about taking my mat and walking!
So I ask you are you ready to be healed? Christ can and will heal you of whatever is in that pool of yours that you have been focused on, so listen to Him and get up and walk!
Can I get an Amen!! :)
It was one of those moments when any doubts that you ever had are tossed right out the window!
He used John 5 about the lame man at the pool of Bethesda. You are probably thinking what I was, where is going with this one? It may have never struck me like it had today if it were not for the events of the past four years of my life.
It hit home with me big time today!
Lets just look at these verses and then I will tell you what God revealed to me through them.
The Healing at the Pool John 5:1-9
1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b] 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."
8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
These are the particular verses that spoke to me verses 5-8
This guy had been an invalid for 38 years! Melvin gave us a picture of how things might have looked at the pool. There are all these people, desperate people, daily coming to this pool to be healed, starring intently into this water so when it is stirred they can be healed.
And up walks Jesus and no one really pays much attention to him because they are to busy focusing on the pool. He asks the guy, "Do you want to get well?"
So here is where it hit me! I am the guy at the pool!! I have been crippled by the events of the past four years. And I have been starring intently into this pool of yuk, and Jesus walked up to me today and said "Do you want to be healed?" well, " Get up, pick up you mat and walk"
How many of us get stuck in the "rituals" of this life, distracted by our routines and going with what is comfortable.
Jesus spoke to heart so much today I am so excited about taking my mat and walking!
So I ask you are you ready to be healed? Christ can and will heal you of whatever is in that pool of yours that you have been focused on, so listen to Him and get up and walk!
Can I get an Amen!! :)
Working through grief
Work is definitely what this whole process is like, work! Really hard work that takes a toll on your body and spirit. It's funny because I have gone back and forth between the fear of life and lack of fear. It is really strange how I can go from one extreme to another, but I feel such an urgency to live life to the fullest and at the same time I fear what is around the corner, the what's next factor.
I feel like as soon as I take a breath and say okay I can make it, something hits me in the face.
After the loss of a child or anyone for that matter you tend to search for who you really are in this crazy world, where exactly do I fit always comes to mind.
Because everything you were before is gone, the role of who you were is no longer you role.
So what do you do when the child you have left here gets older and really doesn't "need" or want to be around you much anymore? Preteens have to find out who they are too.
Which brings me to where I have been the last couple of weeks. I have come to the realization that my baby boy is not here anymore and that my baby girl is growing up and does not need mom as much, and the fact that I will not ever have anymore.
And I wonder why I am grieving! :)
I have prayed through this whole experience for God to bring me closer to Him and help to have more knowledge of Him and now I act surprised when he answers!
I get so busy looking forward and forget that I need to be looking up. He is my sustainer and will provide every thing that I need exactly when I need it.
The tears this week have come further apart and I believe it is because I looked up instead of ahead to what is right in front of me.
I just pray that this is something that continues.
I feel like as soon as I take a breath and say okay I can make it, something hits me in the face.
After the loss of a child or anyone for that matter you tend to search for who you really are in this crazy world, where exactly do I fit always comes to mind.
Because everything you were before is gone, the role of who you were is no longer you role.
So what do you do when the child you have left here gets older and really doesn't "need" or want to be around you much anymore? Preteens have to find out who they are too.
Which brings me to where I have been the last couple of weeks. I have come to the realization that my baby boy is not here anymore and that my baby girl is growing up and does not need mom as much, and the fact that I will not ever have anymore.
And I wonder why I am grieving! :)
I have prayed through this whole experience for God to bring me closer to Him and help to have more knowledge of Him and now I act surprised when he answers!
I get so busy looking forward and forget that I need to be looking up. He is my sustainer and will provide every thing that I need exactly when I need it.
The tears this week have come further apart and I believe it is because I looked up instead of ahead to what is right in front of me.
I just pray that this is something that continues.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Empty Me
I love to listen to music especially when I am down, God always speaks to me through it. I have been listening to a lot of music lately and I am always looking for something new to listen to, so I found this awesome song that just spoke to my heart. So instead of rambling on about poor little ole me I want to share these lyrics. I hope it blesses you like it has me.
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright To see how it gets in the blood. And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride And found a little is not quite enough. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside, Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride, And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies To know how prodigals can be drawn away. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you.
So, I surrender all! Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you. Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright To see how it gets in the blood. And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride And found a little is not quite enough. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside, Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride, And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies To know how prodigals can be drawn away. I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you.
So, I surrender all! Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride Empty me of the selfishness inside Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride And any foolish thing my heart holds to Lord empty me of me so I can be Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you. Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Understanding Grief
I am definitely learning a lot about this whole grief thing! First, no one does it the same.
I spend much of my time trying to understand why people don't understand my grief.
Well, it is because we all process it differently. Some start out in the anger phase, some in acceptance, and others in denial. We all go through the steps of grief, but the steps come at various times after a death. So why cant we allow each other to feel how we do whenever we feel like it!
Why do I expect someone to get me, when I don't even get myself?!
I mean it is really kinda silly, because I don't even know how I feel or why I feel it half the time, why should I expect some one to be sensitive to what they say or don't say to me!
My sweet husband, for example, says I just need to get over the fact that people are people and move on! Sounds easy enough. Wrong!
Well, that works for him but it does not for me. And there is nothing wrong with each of our ways of dealing. I understand that, why doesn't anyone else.
So for the last two weeks almost I have cried daily over the death of my sweet baby boy.
Added to this pain in itself I am dealing with the fact that people have moved on and I am stuck in time. It is upsetting to me that people think I should be "okay" by now. That I should "move on" and " there is nothing you can do to bring him back" or "there is nothing you can do to change it".
Well now, tell me something I don't know!!
I am painfully aware of all of these things, I know I need to accept that people are people and they will fail me. Of all people I Know!! UGGHH!!
Can I get an AMEN!!
I have been hyper sensitive the last couple of weeks and I probably should have been this way four years ago. But, God knew then that I could not process these things and function while doing what I needed for Chelsie and Donnie, and what it took to have some fight in me for Cancer!
So I am here alone with little understanding from those that deal with me on a frequent basis.
I have felt insulted by the lack of compassion from people and saddened by the utter aloneness that I feel. It is beyond what any words can possibly begin to express.
So I search for answers to what and how I can learn from these experiences and feelings.
That anyone who grieves deals with it in their own unique CORRECT way. No one can tell you how or when you should feel, because when you feel whatever it is at the time, that is the way You grieve.
The things that EVERYONE should know and live during this process is:
People will always let you down at some point and in some way. God never does.
You are not alone. God is always there even if you don't feel Him there.
There is always someone lifting you up in prayer.
Look to God to guide you through is word and the Holy Spirit.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Do not isolate! (easier said than done :) )
There is more I am sure but those are the things I try to remember each day.
When I focus on eternity God is glorified and my heart is lightened.
I spend much of my time trying to understand why people don't understand my grief.
Well, it is because we all process it differently. Some start out in the anger phase, some in acceptance, and others in denial. We all go through the steps of grief, but the steps come at various times after a death. So why cant we allow each other to feel how we do whenever we feel like it!
Why do I expect someone to get me, when I don't even get myself?!
I mean it is really kinda silly, because I don't even know how I feel or why I feel it half the time, why should I expect some one to be sensitive to what they say or don't say to me!
My sweet husband, for example, says I just need to get over the fact that people are people and move on! Sounds easy enough. Wrong!
Well, that works for him but it does not for me. And there is nothing wrong with each of our ways of dealing. I understand that, why doesn't anyone else.
So for the last two weeks almost I have cried daily over the death of my sweet baby boy.
Added to this pain in itself I am dealing with the fact that people have moved on and I am stuck in time. It is upsetting to me that people think I should be "okay" by now. That I should "move on" and " there is nothing you can do to bring him back" or "there is nothing you can do to change it".
Well now, tell me something I don't know!!
I am painfully aware of all of these things, I know I need to accept that people are people and they will fail me. Of all people I Know!! UGGHH!!
Can I get an AMEN!!
I have been hyper sensitive the last couple of weeks and I probably should have been this way four years ago. But, God knew then that I could not process these things and function while doing what I needed for Chelsie and Donnie, and what it took to have some fight in me for Cancer!
So I am here alone with little understanding from those that deal with me on a frequent basis.
I have felt insulted by the lack of compassion from people and saddened by the utter aloneness that I feel. It is beyond what any words can possibly begin to express.
So I search for answers to what and how I can learn from these experiences and feelings.
That anyone who grieves deals with it in their own unique CORRECT way. No one can tell you how or when you should feel, because when you feel whatever it is at the time, that is the way You grieve.
The things that EVERYONE should know and live during this process is:
People will always let you down at some point and in some way. God never does.
You are not alone. God is always there even if you don't feel Him there.
There is always someone lifting you up in prayer.
Look to God to guide you through is word and the Holy Spirit.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Do not isolate! (easier said than done :) )
There is more I am sure but those are the things I try to remember each day.
When I focus on eternity God is glorified and my heart is lightened.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Still Crying
Why would I think that I should have? It is really kinda crazy.
So did I think some how that I should be finished with the whole grief process?
Monday I stood at his grave staring at this beautiful child and lost my breath (literally) as I realized that he was mine!! And that four years ago I planned this child's funeral and designed this headstone I was starring at and I had no memory of it.
My heart literally aches to hold him and touch him. I looked at the dates on his headstone and realized that he has now been dead longer than he was alive.
The flood of tears came and have not stopped!!
God has cleared my schedule and my mind to grieve, and buddy it stinks!!
I know that I need to but I don't want to, it hurts too bad. This pain is beyond what any words can express. I don't know how to let go and cry when I feel like it, I am the queen of stuffing the tears!
These tears are way different though, theses tears are strong and can't be stuffed anywhere.
They are never ending tears that take my breath away.
how do you grieve anyway! There are no books on how to grieve that actually fit everyone who is grieving.
When will the pain stop, when will the tears stop? How do you heal the loss of a child?
A friend and I were talking about the loss of a child and how desperate you feel to breath without fearing the next breath, because you know that the next breath is going to be without your child so you don't think you can take another. And she said it is the space between the breaths that you are stuck in and that is exactly how you feel stuck in that space between breaths forever.
Part of me is gone, part of my heart is missing and I will never ever be the same.
Who am I, who will I turn into? Will this hurt ever stop?
Because, as of this week the pain has intensified times a million.
I know that God is with because He promises that He will never let me go, but right now I feel like He is being silent.
I have definitely realized that I beat myself up too much and I have to relearn all of those things that I learned as a child and accept what is and allow whatever emotion to arrive in the way God meant for it to. He never said this life was going to be easy, He just said to depend on Him and He will take care of the rest.
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