Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Understanding Grief

I am definitely learning a lot about this whole grief thing! First, no one does it the same.
I spend much of my time trying to understand why people don't understand my grief.
Well, it is because we all process it differently. Some start out in the anger phase, some in acceptance, and others in denial. We all go through the steps of grief, but the steps come at various times after a death. So why cant we allow each other to feel how we do whenever we feel like it!
Why do I expect someone to get me, when I don't even get myself?!
I mean it is really kinda silly, because I don't even know how I feel or why I feel it half the time, why should I expect some one to be sensitive to what they say or don't say to me!
My sweet husband, for example, says I just need to get over the fact that people are people and move on! Sounds easy enough. Wrong!
Well, that works for him but it does not for me. And there is nothing wrong with each of our ways of dealing. I understand that, why doesn't anyone else.
So for the last two weeks almost I have cried daily over the death of my sweet baby boy.
Added to this pain in itself I am dealing with the fact that people have moved on and I am stuck in time. It is upsetting to me that people think I should be "okay" by now. That I should "move on" and " there is nothing you can do to bring him back" or "there is nothing you can do to change it".
Well now, tell me something I don't know!!
I am painfully aware of all of these things, I know I need to accept that people are people and they will fail me. Of all people I Know!! UGGHH!!
Can I get an AMEN!!
I have been hyper sensitive the last couple of weeks and I probably should have been this way four years ago. But, God knew then that I could not process these things and function while doing what I needed for Chelsie and Donnie, and what it took to have some fight in me for Cancer!
So I am here alone with little understanding from those that deal with me on a frequent basis.
I have felt insulted by the lack of compassion from people and saddened by the utter aloneness that I feel. It is beyond what any words can possibly begin to express.
So I search for answers to what and how I can learn from these experiences and feelings.
That anyone who grieves deals with it in their own unique CORRECT way. No one can tell you how or when you should feel, because when you feel whatever it is at the time, that is the way You grieve.
The things that EVERYONE should know and live during this process is:
People will always let you down at some point and in some way. God never does.
You are not alone. God is always there even if you don't feel Him there.
There is always someone lifting you up in prayer.
Look to God to guide you through is word and the Holy Spirit.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Do not isolate! (easier said than done :) )

There is more I am sure but those are the things I try to remember each day.
When I focus on eternity God is glorified and my heart is lightened.


Jennifer said...

Amen! I hope I never say anything insensitive or stupid. You have every right to feel however you feel. I'm sad that you are hurting so bad. You're on my mind alot and Jason and I are praying for you.

A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss said...

Your post is full of wisdom. I am so sorry for your loss. We all deal with grief in the best way we can, and it is our own INDIVIDUAL journey. Sometimes others say things that are unknowingly insensitive. For me, talking to a counselor was of the greatest benefit. I wish you well on your journey. (And ultimately, our grief journeys are ours alone.)

Rachel said...

Thanks for sharing these things. It is so hard to know how to comfort someone who is in such deep pain - I think all of us struggle with that. I pray that God gives me wisdom to know when to speak, when to listen, and when to simply pray (I guess that one is all the time!). Love you, and I love reading your godly insights.