Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Still Crying

Yes, three days after the anniversary of my baby boy's death the tears are still flowing. The pain is as if I was just told he is gone. So why am I so surprised that I have not stopped?

Why would I think that I should have? It is really kinda crazy.

So did I think some how that I should be finished with the whole grief process?

Monday I stood at his grave staring at this beautiful child and lost my breath (literally) as I realized that he was mine!! And that four years ago I planned this child's funeral and designed this headstone I was starring at and I had no memory of it.

My heart literally aches to hold him and touch him. I looked at the dates on his headstone and realized that he has now been dead longer than he was alive.

The flood of tears came and have not stopped!!

God has cleared my schedule and my mind to grieve, and buddy it stinks!!

I know that I need to but I don't want to, it hurts too bad. This pain is beyond what any words can express. I don't know how to let go and cry when I feel like it, I am the queen of stuffing the tears!

These tears are way different though, theses tears are strong and can't be stuffed anywhere.

They are never ending tears that take my breath away.

how do you grieve anyway! There are no books on how to grieve that actually fit everyone who is grieving.

When will the pain stop, when will the tears stop? How do you heal the loss of a child?

A friend and I were talking about the loss of a child and how desperate you feel to breath without fearing the next breath, because you know that the next breath is going to be without your child so you don't think you can take another. And she said it is the space between the breaths that you are stuck in and that is exactly how you feel stuck in that space between breaths forever.

Part of me is gone, part of my heart is missing and I will never ever be the same.

Who am I, who will I turn into? Will this hurt ever stop?

Because, as of this week the pain has intensified times a million.

I know that God is with because He promises that He will never let me go, but right now I feel like He is being silent.

I have definitely realized that I beat myself up too much and I have to relearn all of those things that I learned as a child and accept what is and allow whatever emotion to arrive in the way God meant for it to. He never said this life was going to be easy, He just said to depend on Him and He will take care of the rest.


Katrina said...

Oh friend - I'm so sorry. Really, when I read about your hurt, I can't stop crying either. I'm SO incredibly sorry. I wish I could put you back together, like humpty dumpty, or the puzzle that is missing a piece. I don't have the capacity. But I do know that it will be made right. He is your boy, and he always will be.

I don't remember how heaven works, but I feel pretty certain that they do let kids come visit their moms, in their dreams, or perhaps unseen, to support them until they can hug them again. And you will. I hope I am there when you do! Then we can cry again for happier reasons.

Sending love and prayers until then.

Meredith said...

I remember when Katrina so lovingly shared her story of how she "accidentally" met you and I was so touched by the seeming coincidence that brought the two of you together. Of course it was not a coincidence but a loving Father in Heaven who helped you both find each other in the most unlikely of places.

I cannot begin to know how you feel losing your darling little boy. Such an unfair and selfish act took him away from you and everyone who adored him. Know you are loved and comforted in your most dark times. And what a blessing you can be to others who may experience similar loss. When I lost my mom 3 years ago to a tragic and aggressive cancer, I was able to grieve with others who were experiencing loss in a way that I had never been able to do before.

Prayers and hugs to you and your loved ones.

Tennessee Mama Duck said...

Mel, I love you dearly and wrap my arm around you in prayer right now. You are one precious lady and God knows it. He is there, my friend. He is holding you. You are special to Him. He has a purpose for you.

What can I do for you?

Jennifer said...

I know we all wish we could take some of your pain away, but we can't. I do love you so much, and will pray that God will not seem silent for long. I don't know why this life has to be so hard sometimes, and you're right, there is no one that can teach us how to grieve or how to prepare ourselves for the grief that will come in this life. Remember "It's Gon Be Nice" someday. That doesn't bring much comfort when you're in so much pain, but I hope it lights a little hope in your heart. Love you,

Anonymous said...

Hi Melanie,

I hurt for you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't begin to understand how you feel, but I want you to know I am praying for you and your family. I never had the opportunity to meet Hunter. I hope to in heaven.

In my thoughts,
lisa, jen basts' mom

Pam said...

Praying for you, dear friend. I know I can't even begin to understand what you're going through and yet I know Jesus does.

I am lifting you to Him once again, like I have many times without telling you.

You are special and God knows exactly what He has next for you. May His truth comfort you.